Subject to Fear

I feel everything right now.

Mostly, my body is exhausted. I’ve just worked a long shift which I made a good amount of money. Only at the cost of a few cigarettes. My brain is totally toasted. Calvin is in a state of panic. His panic makes me panic.

My therapist comments on how I’ve been on a roller coaster with him all year. It’s been quite a long ride. I feel like the ride is only starting too. 

Of course, we find out yesterday how few of days we have left together. 17 days to be exact. May seem like a lot, but it’s a lot fewer than we originally thought. Especially since when he comes back, he won’t be coming back here. It’ll be to Indiana. Indiana’s not that far and I have family… but it’s not Iowa. 

I tell my dad how scared I am. He reassures me with the one phrase that he has taught me to live by: “If it was meant to be, it will be.”

I hate being a subject to my fear. 

It also just hit me recently. I wasn’t afraid of how little time we have together a week ago. I wasn’t afraid a few days ago. Now, I’m terrified. 

I’m also realizing how much I have to do in the next week. It’s daunting. I’m tired. So. Tired.

What’s going to happen?

I have no idea.

Let’s just hope my medications do their job.

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