Breathing Freedom

My cat and I have taken refuge at Calvin’s while he is away on the east coast with his family. Leo is scoping out the place while I try to cool down. He lives on the third floor of his building and it’s been warm and the AC has been off. It’s hot in here.

I was supposed to be working an overnight shift currently, but when I talked to my therapist about it, she shook her head at me vigorously. My doctors believe that since I’m in a vulnerable situation (i.e. Calvin just left) and I’m still not stable with my meds, messing with my sleep schedule will only make a big depressive episode.

I was very willing to oblige. 

I learned my lesson over winter break. Overnights are not worth it. Ever. They mess with the internal clock too much and lack of sunlight for Victoria when she’s already upset is a combination for destruction.

My therapist did tell me though how proud she was of me. She expected me to be in much worse shape. Losing someone I see every day to having barely any contact is hard. Especially for someone who has a mood disorder and relies heavily on said person for support. Just goes to show how much progress I’ve made she said. 

I mean, some part of me thinks that she’s right. I know I’m in a much different place than this past fall. So even though Calvin and I weren’t as close by the time winter break was here, that was harder for me in some ways. I also think I’m doing a pretty good job of hiding how torn up I really am. I mean, Monday morning at work I wasn’t, but I haven’t cried since then. I’ve been distracting myself too much to feel. 

I know this is a horrible way to deal with this. At the same time, I’m not too sure of what else to do.

Each time I start thinking about the horribleness of it all, everything that could go horrifically wrong, my depression, how scared I am, my heart picks up and I can tell I’m about to have a full-blown panic attack. So I stop.

I stop thinking about him. I stop thinking about us. 

I stop thinking because it’s the only thing that makes me stop hurting.

There’s a lot of other things going on in life too that I need to catch up. My room is a mess. My entire apartment is very disorganized. I’m waiting until after this weekend to get some money so I can go to the store and buy some cleaning supplies. I’m vacuuming my apartment tomorrow so that will be nice. 

Then there’s friends to catch up on. Christine wants to go boating out at Lake Macbride and I think that sounds totally awesome. I don’t know if I could be more excited to do that. I’ve got my sister’s wedding to start getting ready for even though the date is set for over 2 years from now. We’re going dress shopping Friday.

Then there’s school. I have one summer class that I’m taking. Abnormal Psychology. Funny – I’m very interested in our mood disorders unit. I know a lot of it will be triggering, but I’m taking it online which relieves some of that pressure of having to face that in front of others. I also haven’t picked up my guitar in a week. I just don’t like that. I want to play. It’ll be good. Learn new songs – some for therapy, some for fun. 

Summer provides endless freedom for me. The sun is out, the weather is warm, I have a good job, a good home, I can go see my parents whenever, there’s literally so much I can do. I love it. I absolutely love it. 

I abhor things in this summer. But usually, summer is good for me. I have time. I can breathe. Breathe.

Breathing is good.

Freedom is such a fickle thing.

But how it lets me breathe.


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