I am straight up having an anxiety attack.

I’ve had a not-so-great week.

Like I believe I have said before, everyone at my job has been irritable to say in the least. We all want hours. We all want pay. We all want certain days off. Nothing just seems to work out well for anyone right now.

They haven’t hired/fully trained enough people for the recent events of how many people we’ve lost. They’re giving me the hours I’ve requested but at a cost. It only took them three weeks…

Then there’s the issue of Hong Kong.

I’ve been planning (for months now) to go to Hong Kong next winter. I have many reasons for picking next winter. I feel that a break from Iowa in the bleak cold that is winter would be good for my soul (my therapist agrees.) Christmas is always a touchy holiday with my family as it is close to the anniversary of my mother’s death. I’ve grown that I don’t really like Christmas with my family so much so I didn’t celebrate with anyone this year. I wasn’t even on speaking terms with my dad. The weather is nicer in winter in Hong Kong than summer. I want to spend New Years with Calvin. There are many other reasons but my mind is so far into overdrive already that I can’t remember them.

Then, I talked to Calvin about it. He and his dad were looking up prices. Obviously prices will change in the upcoming days like crazy, but it’s about $300 more than I was expecting. Not too big of a deal. The problem started when Calvin began discussing our options. 

There are different flights you see, maybe since I’m an inexperienced flyer we want to take a more direct flight, but that airline is not very good and have a lot of delays on average you see, it’s also more expensive, but if we fly from here to here then here to here then here to here and here to here it’s cheaper and a much better airline, but there’s a possibility with more lay-overs that there are more chances for delays and we would probably leave on this day but who knows when our finals will actually be over by but what about summer? Summer is a lot hotter but you could spend more time here and we could do this and we usually spend our time indoors and there’s this saxophone convention here and it would be a great experience and you could meet all of the great asian saxophonists plus so many new young players and internationally known players.

I’m screaming in my brain because there is just so much wrong with that last paragraph.

I was having a bad day, you see. I was having a bad week, you see. I’ve been having a really hard time since you left, you see, and I haven’t really allowed myself the time or ability to feel that emptiness and weakness because I feel that I have no other choice and the only hope the only strand of hope I have in anything right now is that I get 4 whole days with you coming up in just over a week and that’s what gets me through this.

My dependency upon you absolutely terrifies me and I don’t think you know or understand how or why.

I don’t understand how or why.

But I know it.

People tell me to keep calm. Regain calmness. Use mindfulness techniques. Take a class on it. Practice meditation.

I’m sick of it.

All of my problems have been avoiding my problems.

I don’t like to think about that which makes me upset or feel uncomfortable because it causes anxiety. But I can’t fix my anxiety problem if all I’m doing is keeping calm about it.

My therapy is much to passive for me. 

I’m a confrontational person. When I have a problem, I buckle down and fix it right away because I like it when things are running smoothly. I like it when things are peaceful. I don’t like to start or create bigger drama. I like to deal with it and move on with my life. 

Anxiety is this queen-bee drama bitch that I can’t face right now. The only “advice” I’m getting is avoiding and ignoring. Be the bigger person. Self-soothing techniques.

I don’t like it when things walk all over me. I’m not okay with something other than me controlling my life.

And this has gone on for far too long and far too deep for me to settle with the treatment I’m getting.

I’m starting a mother-fucking riot, bitches.


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