A Late, Free Discussion

My head is simply exploding with thoughts.

Today has been an interesting day.

I saw my psychiatrist. I told her about my large panic attack last Saturday. She reassured me that it seems to have been just a long, pent up one and was concerned that my sedative hadn’t worked to stop it. Although, I told her how good I’ve felt since it happened. More so how I’ve been feeling less all-around anxious. She seemed satisfied with that. Other than that, she thinks that I’m on a really good track. That’s good.

I went to my mindfulness class. It was after I took a long nap though, so I was could do nothing but fidget. My mind was racing and I was rocking back and forth in the chair. One of the ladies in the class gave me several hard stares. I didn’t care though.

I’ve been home since then giving myself a break. I played Pokemon for a while because I’m an adult, browsed social media, then got the bright idea around 10:00 or so to start reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Whoops.

I finished it a few minutes ago. That’s part of why I’m writing. It was a fairly stimulating book. Mostly, my brain is just very stimulated after reading any book.

Calvin also sent me a very interesting video. Also very thought provoking. 

Uggghhhhh.

So many thoughts. Too many mediums on which to express them properly and ugh. I just can’t write as fast as my thoughts.

I really enjoyed the book. I find the protagonist “Charlie” to be a very interesting and relatable character (to me at least.) The beginning is a bit confusing as it is told as a diary-style narrative, so many assumptions on characters are made. It’s a book in which you never fully understand the protagonist until the end and even then the book makes you question if you really do. “Charlie” (his pseudonym) is a very introverted person and prefers to observe. He frequently talks of “participating” more and is extremely intelligent. 

There were two things that stuck out to me in this book.

“Charlie” is a wallflower (hence book title.) He observes and is curious. He wonders how other people react, how they feel when they hear a particular song that he’s listening to, what makes them desire. It places a lot of development on how people were raised but then discredits that by giving the example of the alcoholic with two sons – one who followed his father’s footsteps and the other that didn’t for the exact same reason (the reason being what they learned from their father.) I related to this greatly as I often wonder about what things are significant to other people and how I impact them or don’t impact them and my brain keeps going but I’m not sure how to articulate it.

The other thing that stuck out to me was how “Charlie” very much lived in the moment. He was never really one to draw attention to himself or his needs (except among his family members a few times) and was content just seeing everyone he loved being content. That’s how he determines that he really loves “Sam” because when she was happy (even with another boy) he was happy and when she and said boy broke up, he wasn’t happy because “Sam” was no longer happy. “Sam” points out to him though that while it was good that he lived in the moment, his great character flaw was that he never acted on his own wishes to show people that he cared or wanted or desired. He was too concerned about how it would affect other people that he was hiding his true self from everyone and hiding his affection that they deserved to have. But being in the moment is something that I’ve been working on a lot recently – especially with this mindfulness class. 

Thought provoking. Also very intimidating. 

I also really liked the style of the writing and how as “Charlie” reads more books assigned by his teacher “Bill” and the year progresses, “Charlie”‘s writing style changes too from that of a choppy middle-schooler to an intelligent but still choppy young high-schooler. 

I also just relate in the whole “choppy writing style” thing. Especially in “diary-entry” style. 

Now for the video Calvin showed me…

It’s about the “Evolution of bathing suits”. It was good. I liked what the speaker was doing. To sum up the video, she discussed how bikinis have wrecked havoc upon society from their conception to today. While women have come a long ways as have the bikini in terms of style and how society views them, the problem remains that women are too often viewed as objects rather than humans. She presented a study showing that different parts of the brain lit up and such (I’m too tired to go into detail… watch the video if you want to know what I’m talking about. I just want to rant, not summarize.)

Her solution was interesting. She wanted to provide swimsuits for women that were fashionable yet modest. Modest meaning fashionable as well. While it is a temporary fix… hold on, I’m about to get pretty feminist here.

I can understand one way of viewing this. The brain is biological. The easiest solution is to change what women are wearing rather than change the way men look at women. 

OH MY GOD. 

I mean, it’s a solution. I can’t discredit her or anything for that. It doesn’t mean that I can’t be mad about it though. With all this stuff on the news about a guy who went on a killing spree at a sorority at his college because these women wouldn’t sleep with him and how people are reacting and the misogyny and the feminism and the opinions and wow I can’t take it. 

Obviously there is no easy solution otherwise it wouldn’t be a problem anymore. 

I did like one article though.

It was about compassion. How that’s society’s problem. We aren’t teaching our children compassion so they won’t hurt others. It’s not about teaching girls how to not get raped. It’s not about teaching boys how to not rape. It’s about teaching compassion since it is a gender-neutral solution that does have a lot of truth. 

But the world is full of people that cannot be changed. Or at least, education isn’t available and not everyone is willing to learn. 

I’m not saying that it’s hopeless.

Because I hope to be an advocate for changing the way people think. 

Everyone has scars and stories. Everyone has dark pasts and happy memories. Everyone has been loved by someone at some point. 

But the way a closed-mind works is beyond me.

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