Values

We’ve been feasting like kings, sleeping whenever we feel tired, and been simply enjoying each others’ company. 

To say it has been a blissful past few days would be an understatement. 

Calvin being back has made a lot of difference. More so, it has just been days full of nothing but relishing in the fact that the other one is there. He talks excitedly about the time I will be spending with him in Hong Kong. It’s beginning to be the only thing he can talk about. It makes me excited too, don’t get me wrong, but it’s going against the principles I’m trying so hard to implement in my life.

First thing I ask him every morning: “What would you like to do today, Calvin?”

The answer everyday has been packing. I don’t have a problem with this. There’s a lot to do before he leaves. Mostly, we have to get him completely out of here. 

We haven’t really been doing that great of a job of getting him moved out though. Mostly, I ask what I can do and he feels guilty for having me help him. So I stand by idly just waiting for him to let me help. 

I should just jump in, but I’ve also found myself to be increasingly exhausted since he’s returned.

Something I’ve noticed in myself is how much being around people exhausts me now. This is something my therapist worries about. She wants me to plan something social with friends at least once a week. It’s so easy for me to become a recluse and not want to be around people ever. I tend to shut myself in and prefer it that way. It’s not that I don’t want to be around Calvin, don’t get me wrong. It’s that I find myself being kind of annoyed almost being around someone all the time. Especially when I think of what I could be doing by myself in my own time.

I’m currently drinking a rather strong whisky coke. Ugh.

I have very few wishes and desires. However, I am very particular about them. 

I often find myself in a rut that I’m the only one doing anything. I don’t mind that. I’ve always just taken care of myself. I’m grossly independent. 

Every once and a while though, I like someone to pamper me. I’ve worked hard these last few weeks with Calvin being gone. While he was out on his vacation, all I have been doing is working and saving money to go to Hong Kong. I don’t think he really appreciates just how much I’m putting forth into this. More so, he doesn’t think to help me out with it at all either. 

He has showered me with gifts while he was on vacation. It’s exciting, yes, and I love all the gifts. But I’m almost too practical in that I’d rather him help me out with a meal rather than buy me all this stuff.

I would rather money went towards experiences rather than things. 

I want to have a really nice meal with him once before he leaves for Indiana where we go to a really nice restaurant in town, look nice, buy wine and just enjoy each other’s company. He tells me he doesn’t have the kind of money for that. But when he comes back with probably around if not over $50 in gifts… I just think that while I love the gifts and nice things, I’d rather he waited to spend that money on a time that he was with me. 

I’m not trying to undervalue the meaning of his gifts to me. They are very precious indeed. 

I’m just someone who looks around my room at my apartment and I’m disgusted by the amount of things I just have lying around. Do I use a lot of these things? Not really, no. What could I do with those things instead? Sell them and try to gain money for trips and experiences with my friends and family. 

I think that would be more valuable to me. 

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