Bad Day

I got a call from the plasma donation center today.

I am not eligible to donate plasma until December 1st due to major depression. 

This is just shitty.

It’s weird to have someone else tell you about what you have.

So of course I pull out my abnormal psychology book and start reading.

And rereading. And rereading again. Symptoms, treatment, neurobiological approaches, physiological “causes” (more like theories), everything. And then I sit and think.

I’m having a very hard time today dissociating myself from it. The first time I read it I was okay. It was kinda weird, but I was okay. This time, it was like each word cut deeper than the last.

The worst was the “Discover: Non-Suicidal Self-Injury Disorder”. 

I want to scream at my textbook. How could they not understand? The perspective of the authors comes across as more and more naive each time I read it. How come people in the hospital could explain it to me so easily? It’s a coping mechanism when a person undergoes serious distress. How could they not see it? What doesn’t make sense? How can they so easily brush it off as a “topic still being researched”? 

I’m a mess right now. I tried to explain to Calvin how it wasn’t necessarily that I was turned away from donating plasma that has upset me, it’s the fact that I have this real disorder and it is very invasive in my life and I can’t seem to get away from it no matter how “good” I feel for a few months. All he could focus on was the fact that they turned me away. I know it isn’t easy to know why they did and I won’t say that I do, but focusing on that isn’t going to change that I still can’t donate.

I was already feeling under today. A large part of me thinks it’s because I didn’t work out. But I shouldn’t work out every day of the week. It’s important to take a rest day. That’s what I was trying to do today.

It has been 98 days since my last relapse with self-harm. 

98 days.

I’m supposed to be hanging out with friends right now. I really want to be hanging out with friends right now.

I just feel like I can’t do anything right now. I feel helpless, hopeless, disgusting, and exhausted. 

Calvin insisted that we video chat for a little bit. I couldn’t help giving him that, but I also don’t think he realizes the distress he put me under as he pressured me to do so. 

I just don’t feel good today. I just want to curl into a ball and just be left alone. 

We all have our good days and we all have our bad. 

This day just happens to be one of my particularly bad ones. 

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