Just Dandy

I’ve tried to think of different ways to start this.

Okay, I’m just gonna go for it.

The last few days have been absolutely crazy. July 1st signifies the anniversary to Hong Kong’s return to China rule. Each year, they have a protest. This year was huge. Some say over 500,000 people attended. Calvin and his parents were among them. 

Calvin’s dad was also among the 500 or so that were arrested later that day. 

Read the news articles. It’s not too hard to find.

But Calvin has been a bit of a mess since the march. He’s a bundle of anger and frustration and he’s started isolating himself from me. 

Some girls might cry, “I don’t know what to do! What do I do to help him?”

Well, I’ve been educating myself on the matter. I mean, as much as I have time for between school, working full time, working out, and moving the two of us out. 

Right now, I just need him to talk to me. I need him to let me in if he so chooses. 

I guess his choice is to not include me though. I’m not too offended as it’s not my home, not my country, I didn’t know anything on the matter until honestly when we began dating. I find it a lot harder to relate to his situation when the freedom he desires is a luxury I’ve had my entire life. I can sympathize, but not empathize as well. Maybe he senses that and doesn’t want it or possibly he just wants to be alone.

Well, that sucks.

That really sucks for me.

Because this is a time I desperately need him. I desperately need him.

I’ve witnessed a horrendous break-up from one of my best friends who has since the incident stopped talking to anyone, I’ve been working nonstop to raise funds to go to Hong Kong and keep myself afloat financially, I’ve been working on my psychology class that takes a lot more out of me due to the nature of the topic, I’m headed into the 4th of July – my favorite holiday that is also tainted by the memory of my first love and by the fact that I’m working all day/night and don’t get to actually celebrate, and I’m trying to figure out how to move both Calvin and I out of our apartments completely in 20 days. 

Oh, I’m also working out almost every day. It has been helping, but it’s also rather time consuming. 

The 4th though… it was the last time I ever saw Ben. It’s been 5 years now. He’s still the person I’ve had the longest relationship with. Granted, we were young, but it still stings. It stings even more that I know he’s been in town since he’s left but doesn’t want to bother with seeing me. He was much more bitter about our break-up than I ever realized.

I see every now and then him pop up on my Facebook news feed. He seems to be doing very well for himself and I’m glad. He’s a great guy with a very bright future ahead of him. 

I just wonder what people will think of me.

I wonder if he wonders how I’m doing.

I don’t know what I would say. I’m 21, have a cat named Leo, work at a restaurant, have a boyfriend from Hong Kong that I met in the studio at Iowa, I’m studying music therapy, oh, and that asthma we thought I had right before you left? Yeah, it wasn’t asthma at all. It was the beginning of a horrible and long diagnostic process I went through to official become “mentally ill”. Yeah, I have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, major depressive disorder, and seasonal affective disorder. Since been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation and self-harm. But don’t worry, I’ve seen 5 doctors for this and 3 psychologists not including the hospital people and I think I’ve finally found some keepers! Life’s been dandy.

Just dandy. 

 

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