Elusive Folly

I’m trying to decide if I like myself today. 

It’s a very hard decision to make, but it’s very important.

I’ve been taking my medicine like I should. I’m just so exhausted. 

This is a recovery day. I just want to curl up and hide.

Why have I attached myself to others? Why have I created those bonds that usually just wear on their own? Why have I given myself that extra guilt?

Happiness is an elusive folly. 

I’m just tired of chasing it endlessly. 

I can already feel it. The desperation from some for me to be there for them. It creates guilt in my mind. They need me they say. To help fulfill their own happiness agenda. Usually having to do with their significant other. I can feel the pull from them, lulling me into a trap with binds of steel and harnesses of “safety”. 

The push from others is what breaks my resolve. I feel the pull from some, then it rotates to a push from the others. This continues in a cyclical fashion. One pushes, the other pulls, then they switch roles. I can’t seem to be there in the way that people want me to be. 

I’m not one to obey what doesn’t make sense in my mind. You can’t push me then expect me to be there when you need me to pull. 

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. Why do I do this?

I can’t do this.

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