Private Pity Party

Bad panic attack at work tonight.

Very bad one.

Two of them, actually.

I’m still at the edge of one of them. Lorazepam is starting to kick in. I took 4. I’m going to be out for the count.

I know what this means though.

I have to take time off from work. There’s no way around it. My body is physically unable to handle it. My mind is incapable of dealing with the stress. It’s a wonderful job. It’s just that I’m at high-risk time, my sleep schedule is irregular, my baseline anxiety level is extremely high, and the list of stressors is overwhelming.

Time off work in some ways is relieving to think about but also anxiety producing. I’ll be letting my coworkers down. I’ll be hurting financially. I’ll be letting myself down for once again letting my anxiety take control of my life.

This is my private, whining, pity section:

I want to be normal. I want to be stressed out and not have my body react to it in such a violent way. I want my brain to not think so negatively. I want it to stop repeating such obsessively destructive things. I want the dizziness, nausea, and shaking to end. I want to take control of my life. I want to be able to handle things like the strong person I am. Like the strong person others make me out to be. I want to be able to handle life.

Right now, I’m watching it all spiral out of control. I’m so much better than I used to be, but I still have such a long ways to go. I don’t think this journey ever stops. 

All I know right now is that my head is pounding and I’ll do anything to make all this stop.

One thought on “Private Pity Party

  1. party without drink is not a party. i know it was a private, but i’m rude. i do not obey the rules. so let’s cheers.
    hope you’re better now. life’s a bitch, but it’s you who owe it, not life who owes you. easy to say, i know. illness’s not that simple.
    take care.

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