Let me walk you through something.
You’ve been stressed. Moving is hard. Moving 2 people is hard. Helping other people move is hard as well. Summer classes aren’t over yet and you haven’t gotten word from that friend who was gonna look over that one paper for you. You’re still trying to catch up on sleep from that all-nighter you pulled last week. Yet, you’re still up at 3:37 AM. Why? Who knows? You honestly could have felt like crashing after work. Maybe it was because of that energy drink you had to get your feet moving during your shift. Why the energy drink? You took too many of your sedatives when you were having a panic attack at work. You still haven’t quite figured out the magic number of pills to take when reality becomes too big to handle. But you’ve got to take the pills because you can’t keep missing work due to anxiety. Money, money, money. That horrid curse. Of course, you’ve just recently spent a good deal of it buying things for your apartment, carpet cleaners, rent, groceries, the list goes on. But your pockets aren’t as full as they could and/or should be. Why? Panic attack at work. You threw up in the bathroom after you had just gotten back from break because they cut the rest of the servers from the floor leaving you with 5 tables with open menus plus a party. Those servers that were cut are too consumed in doing their cleanups and getting their part of the dining room in order so they can get out of there faster. Forget what you need to help your tables. They’re just trying to make their boss happy so they can get out of there and be happy.
I very much so need to figure something out.
Those pills… while they do help in the short term…. the after effects are…. horrible.
I’m left with this vague emptiness that I don’t feel like will be filled. I’m left with the disappointment that yet again I let anxiety take control of my life. My head is still groggy from the medicine. It’s like being drunk and high at the same time except you aren’t doing it just to have fun or have a good time. You’re using it to stop the bad thoughts, to keep yourself sane and together.
I feel like a tightly wound string that gets constantly pulled out then put back again messier than before. Being chewed on then spat back out.
I could go over how I feel physically. I could go over my mental state.
I am emotionally unstable.
And it sucks.
We are driven by fear and desire. Neither of these things are entirely rational nor irrational.