Session #3

I don’t know how I feel right now.

I had some not-as-good-as-I-usually-have Chinese for dinner. I skipped a rehearsal so I could do laundry and homework. I just feel very… panicked.

I don’t know, either. Maybe it has to do with my music therapy session this week.

I was feeling kind of out of it on Tuesday anyway. Just high anxiety for no apparent reason other than I had a session. Even that isn’t really enough though.

My supervisor wasn’t there.

She had an emergency. That emergency was the death of one of our major professor’s mother. She didn’t explicitly tell me that was the reason. She just told me to put 2 and 2 together since she couldn’t explicitly tell me.

Yeah.

So I did my own session.

Unsupervised.

And yeah.

It was… something.

I can’t think much beyond that right now and that was my blog post essentially. And that’s this post right now.

I just want to sleep.

Done

I haven’t been this upset in quite some time.

Can’t say I missed it.

This day has been squandered. Calvin and I are in the middle of a massive fight. I’m just done.

I’m done with this.

I’m done with being the bad person. I’m done with always being sad. I’m done questioning if I’m wanted all the time. I’m done putting out so much and not getting anything back in return. I’m done being the first one to give in. I’m done giving up.

I’m simply ending it.

I’m done always worrying about my mental health. It isn’t there. It’s not okay.

I’m not okay.

And I’m done pretending that I am for the sake of others.

I’m done being taken for granted.

I’ve always hated selfishness.

But I’m fucking done.

I can’t keep functioning. Today, I’ve had the first serious suicidal thoughts and self-harm intent in months. That is where I draw the fucking line.

I’m done.

And If you think you haven’t a thing to do with it, think again.

Everything

And you are everything.

Surrounding eternity.

I can’t say I’ll live without want. I’m a greedy, selfish type.

But you’re perfect without trying.

In fact, I’m not sure if you’ve ever really tried.

It’d be kind of silly if you did, because you’ve always had me.

The Shitty Tour Guide

I come to this exhausted with a lack of time or energy.

But life has become very overwhelming. 

Mostly I question what makes me happy. 

What is happiness?

Why do I have such a hard time with that question?

I struggle day in and day out trying to find out what this question even means. Happiness can be found in any crack or crevice, hiding in plain sight. 

It’s not the happiness that is lost finding its way to me, but rather me who is the wanderer. 

Every sense of mine has been exponentially increased. I question every action I make. What is the purpose behind it? What do I want to achieve from doing this? What is it that I really want?

I believe that not knowing is worse than feeling like you can’t do something. But the combination of the two – feeling like you can’t do anything because you don’t know what it is you want to do – is the ultimate failure. 

Everything is small. A few weeks from now, today will seem like nothing and the future can only bring new challenges to be overcome. 

But that thought in itself is overwhelming. Life continues to grow and become increasingly complicated. It is enriched which brings more guilt and heartache in the end. We continue to thrive due to a survival instinct. But at what point in this instinct suffocated by the heaviness of depression?

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. It’s put me in a funk all day. Things like this tend to do this to me. 

I just can’t shut my brain off. Especially when there’s so much going on in my life right now. I’m just not sleeping. I’m not sleeping. I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep. I just run. 

I’ve had this headache as well for the last week. It’s not always bad, just an annoyance really. Then when I’m feeling particularly bad, it just increases those feelings.

I just feel helpless and hopeless. I just can’t seem to be satisfied with what I’m doing with my life no matter what I do. I lack a passion. It’s like being surrounded in darkness, but you have a candle. It’s small, so the only light you receive covers your hands. But the darkness is like a room. No hallways, no paths, no directions… just… empty. You have some things you know are good (the candle) but no direction. No walls. No guide. 

Being lost on the tour to your own life sucks.

Devour

I was going to start this off with “You have no idea”. 

That’s too accusing though since I don’t have a clue either.

I’m in a world of self-loathing right now.

It’s not that I didn’t work this weekend. It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s not that I’m sitting on my ass doing nothing. 

While many were enjoying the nice, long weekend, I was working. I worked over 20 hours at my job in the last 4 days. In my down time, I have been practicing, running errands, or doing homework. Not only am I trying to adjust to being a full-time student again, I’m a full-time student with about 17 credits this semester. 

Now, I can look at all of this. Like, I know I’m doing something. I just feel like it isn’t enough. Reality is that it isn’t enough. There’s always something I can be working on. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough.

It’s repeating in my head constantly. It hasn’t stopped for the last month. Not only that, but I’ve become increasingly worse with attending doctors appointments, taking medications, remembering to fill prescriptions, practicing meditation, working out, eating well, and so on.

It starts off like this. I feel constantly overwhelmed. Nothing I do is ever enough. I get so freaked out by this fact that I begin to withdraw. I stop socializing because it causes me too much anxiety. Then I stop going to class because I’m behind on the work and the thought of being in a room with people terrifies me especially my peers who are constantly judging me. And then I take a step back and realize what is happening. My anxiety has officially taken over my life and I feel completely helpless to it so I fall into this spiraling depression which results in self-harm and thoughts of suicide. Before I know what’s happening, I’m my hands are fully extended and shaking holding onto several pills. They’re a mix of NSAIDs, SSRIs, and other various medications that I’ve collected. I never throw away prescription pills, even if I seriously don’t have a need for the medication anymore. 

But I always put them back in their bottles. At least, I always have. 

I’m not sure who to turn to right now because I see the signs beginning and my next appointment with my therapist isn’t for another week. 

I kind of love and hate my psychology classes. I know exactly what is happening. Or at least, I know my symptoms and can feel the beginning of another episode. Doesn’t mean I know shit as to what to do about it.

I know about as much as the scientists do. My deficits are too strong right now and I just want to hide from it all. 

I hate how much this thing devours me.