The Shitty Tour Guide

I come to this exhausted with a lack of time or energy.

But life has become very overwhelming. 

Mostly I question what makes me happy. 

What is happiness?

Why do I have such a hard time with that question?

I struggle day in and day out trying to find out what this question even means. Happiness can be found in any crack or crevice, hiding in plain sight. 

It’s not the happiness that is lost finding its way to me, but rather me who is the wanderer. 

Every sense of mine has been exponentially increased. I question every action I make. What is the purpose behind it? What do I want to achieve from doing this? What is it that I really want?

I believe that not knowing is worse than feeling like you can’t do something. But the combination of the two – feeling like you can’t do anything because you don’t know what it is you want to do – is the ultimate failure. 

Everything is small. A few weeks from now, today will seem like nothing and the future can only bring new challenges to be overcome. 

But that thought in itself is overwhelming. Life continues to grow and become increasingly complicated. It is enriched which brings more guilt and heartache in the end. We continue to thrive due to a survival instinct. But at what point in this instinct suffocated by the heaviness of depression?

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. It’s put me in a funk all day. Things like this tend to do this to me. 

I just can’t shut my brain off. Especially when there’s so much going on in my life right now. I’m just not sleeping. I’m not sleeping. I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep. I just run. 

I’ve had this headache as well for the last week. It’s not always bad, just an annoyance really. Then when I’m feeling particularly bad, it just increases those feelings.

I just feel helpless and hopeless. I just can’t seem to be satisfied with what I’m doing with my life no matter what I do. I lack a passion. It’s like being surrounded in darkness, but you have a candle. It’s small, so the only light you receive covers your hands. But the darkness is like a room. No hallways, no paths, no directions… just… empty. You have some things you know are good (the candle) but no direction. No walls. No guide. 

Being lost on the tour to your own life sucks.


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