Lost in Panic

What is going on?

This midterm season has completely reduced me to rubble and ashes. I can’t do anything right now. This is my 3rd panic attack in this week and my 4th since Thursday.

I’m getting lost.

I am lost.

And I’m honestly having suicidal thoughts right now.

I am lost in panic.

Advertisements

Pills

I should be writing much more than I have been. My sincerest apologies.

I just need 5 minutes with my professor, but I think that it’s gonna have to wait.

I woke up late and didn’t take my meds this morning. And I had to song lead/perform for my classmates.

It tanked. I know I can do so much better. That’s the frustrating thing.

Also, I have 2 other performances today. And a quiz tomorrow. And I need to write my session plan by 12:30 tomorrow.

Ughhhhhhh.

I’m frustrated with this. This disorder. I always am.

But right now, I’m okay. I’m very tired, but I’m okay.

At least I’m breathing.

Powerless

I’m hurting and I want it to stop but I don’t feel worthy of my usual methods and feel like I’m a terrible person and don’t deserve to feel good again.

This is my life and the only word that comes to mind is hate.

I’m too selfish and full of hate to really get to where I want to be because deep down, I don’t trust people. I don’t trust anyone but myself because I know I can rely on myself.

Because if I succeed, it was from my own doing. If I fail, I have no one to blame but myself. That is power.

Reliance

I want out.

I’m highly dissatisfied.

And I want out.

I’m mostly angry right now.

I’m angry that my cramps hurt this bad and I missed my class and session today so I have to extend everything and I still feel like I want to vomit and he’s not here but I am and I’m all alone and family only frustrates me at the moment and people leave me feeling guilty beyond what I already feel for being who I am and feeling what I do.

Because I love being in pain. I love being miserable. In fact, I love it so much let me inflict it upon you.

You want to reprimand me for making you take my shift at work.

Funny, I asked if you could do it. You could have said no. It’s not like it really would have killed anybody. I still have to get a doctor’s note.

You want to reprimand me for leaving food in the car.

Funny, the oil in your car is 7,000 miles overdue. Want to talk to me about responsibility? At least I take care of the important things.

You want to make me feel guilty for taking my shift at work.

Funny, I took your overnight shift when you called me in tears because you broke up with your fiance and I didn’t say shit about it. In fact, I still haven’t even talked to you about it. We had the initial “I’m here for you” talk, you told me why you broke up with him, and that was it.

You scold me for making you drive the truck back and forth for days.

Funny, you haven’t called me once asking for the car back. I’m sorry I went to go visit the one thing that has kept me sane so far this semester and to do so I had to use the car that you still haven’t taken care of.

I hate relying on people for this reason.

My family has a way of pressing guilt onto others when they are hurting themselves. What they don’t realize is that they’re projecting their feelings onto those who can’t even handle their own feelings.

I still struggle daily. You honestly think projecting your own anger and frustrations out on me is going to help? Fine. Pay for my hospital bill. See how much I care.