Hope: Past, Present, and Future

Today has been pretty good.

After paying my rent (which was overdue), I finished rereading the Hunger Games (again). I washed the dishes and took out the trash. Then, I got creative and hung up lights all over my apartments. I also got out all my old decorations and hung them throughout my room. I’ll be sure to post pictures soon.

My depression made it pretty hard to get out of bed or do anything too important. So I stuck to these little pleasures and got just that – pleasure. It’s a nice feeling that I have forgotten.

I’m starting to pull my apartment together and it’s coming quite nicely. I like it a lot. To have a cozy little place to call my own is a true dream.

A talk about sex happened.

He’s much more reluctant than I and if he knew I was posting this, he would be very angry with me. I won’t go into details since no one really needs to know nor probably wants to know those things.

I just happen to be much more accepting of my sexuality. I don’t feel ashamed by my past endeavors nor do I feel that he should either. I’m all for learning more about what works for him and for us. I’m eager in this field. I like to experiment. Sometimes, the good fall backs are necessary, but sometimes, we need to explore.

Mostly, I’m afraid that he’s uncomfortable with his sexuality. He’s very nervous about it which is very understandable. I just need to coax him gently and slowly into acceptance. We don’t have to be crazy – hell, I’m not really crazy in that sense – but exploring is so much fun. It strengthens the relationship when you reach that level of trust and confidence in yourself and the other person. It’s really a beautiful thing. Something I’ve always wanted but never really had yet.

We have so much time and so much a future for us. He’s what keeps me going. When I went to the ER, the reason why I said I didn’t want to kill myself was because I wanted to have a future. I wanted to have my future as a music therapist, as a wife, as a mother, and to let my connections with people expand. I want to love and be loved. I want to be free of this dark shadow that robs me of these feelings. I want to get better so desperately. I’m getting there, just some days are harder than others.

He is so much a part of my past, present, and future. He wants me to move in with him after I’m done with classes next fall. I will be doing so. I will go with him where he goes for his doctorate. I find somewhere close to do my internship. I will work. He will study. Somewhere along the road, we’ll get married. Start having kids. He’s already picked out names. I’ve agreed on a few and we have a few worked out. It’s also how he think we can get his parents to come move to the states.

I want this future. I want this future so bad.

I’m also feeling like this post is a lot of fluff.

Oh…. I took my “sleep time” sedatives.

So there’s that.

But still. I like being on this road. I will continue to work hard to stay on this road. Little by little, I will get there.

I haven’t experienced hope like this in years.


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