An Anxious Home

Today has been interesting to say in the least.

I have started the new regimen of sedatives 3-4 times a day. Unfortunately, I has done little to sedate my anxiety.

Heart palpitations out of no where. Hyperventilating. Shaking hands. Fear of dying. Panic attacks. Trigger? Nothing. Nothing that really stands out. Ordinary day.

So I went home after all my classes and slept. Visited a friend to pick up a sweatshirt. Played in a concert, which was no big deal. Saw my dad, who came for the concert. He came over to my apartment. He was impressed by its condition. Shocked with how small it is. I like it though. Especially since I hung Christmas lights every where and actually decorated the space. It feels cozy and more like me. It’s really my home. I intend to keep it.

I read some article about how all women should live by themselves at one point in their twenties. I agree with that. I agree that you need a space to completely make your own. No significant other to try to match or agree with. No roommate to compromise with. A place you can walk around naked with no fears of anyone else coming in. While I am very excited to live with Calvin eventually, I really do love this little home of mine. It is entirely mine. And I do love it.

Just like this anxiety is entirely mine. It’s something that has always been with me and continues to develop with me. I have given it a home. The space seems to increase and decrease. Now, I feel like it has completely torn down the walls of this “home” and just spread through my body like fire. It certainly feels like fire.

I’m just worried that this anxiety is stemming from the increase in Wellbutrin. I’ve had to take 6 lorazepam and 3 beta-blockers. I don’t want to be popping that many pills to just get through the day. I see my docs later this week, so we’ll see if this trend continues.

Right now, I am very tired and have a fluffy kitty curled up on my shoulder. He has been nudging my head with his own throughout this post, so I think I better devote some cuddling time to him.

I just want my body to be a healthy home.

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