Grey

It’s been a hollow past couple of days. I can’t find any relief until I take some lorazepam.

I’m still having spontaneous heart palpitations. I’m still having to distract myself to keep myself from going insane.

Yesterday was incredibly draining. It was my little step-nephew’s 8th birthday party. My parents wanted me and my sister to come, but only I could go. There were about 20-30 people at my parent’s house. Screaming children played downstairs. Adults chatted upstairs. I mostly stuck to the couch away from everyone. My dad would join me every so often. My step-brother would try to keep me included. Only my dad really understood how I just wanted to be left alone. I don’t like parties much, especially when I don’t really know the people there. I haven’t been feeling well to begin with recently. Socializing in a situation like that requires me to be on a really good day, anyway.

My parent’s I could tell felt a bit guilty. But then they had their way of making me feel guilty too. I didn’t realize that it really was going to be the last time I would see them until I return from Hong Kong until they said so. Pam got me a few gifts for Christmas. A couple pairs of fuzzy socks, a new bag, a very nice vest and jacket. All extremely lovely gifts. I definitely need to get them something nice while I’m abroad. They stayed up until 11:00 with me, much too late for them usually.

I have a final in about 15 hours. I don’t know when I’ll bother studying for it. Right now, I’m just trying to calm my racing heart.

I have decided to take quite a few incomplete courses this semester. This episode of depression and intense anxiety just really hit with supremely bad timing. I haven’t been able to focus on much recently besides my deteriorating health. It’s taken all I can to do distract myself and try my best to complete my to do lists.

I just need to get through the next few days. 2 finals. Possibly going to go see a friend tomorrow after my final. I still need to see if I can exchange cars with my sister.

I can’t think of much else to write at the moment. Perhaps I should go do my dishes and put away my laundry. Clear my mind maybe.

I feel like I’m living in a grey cloud. Everything’s kind of hazy, damp. Sometimes, a ray of sun breaks through. Usually it’s just the grey.

Or maybe I’m just reflecting on the recent weather.

I hate winter.

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