Sick of Sick Worthlessness

Well, life’s been hectic.

And of course, I get sick at the most inopportune times.

So, I have a sore throat, fever, the works. Have had one for the past couple of days. Yesterday, I was super good. Drank tons of water. Didn’t talk. Took my medicine when I was supposed to. Super good. And it gets worse. Great. I know, I probably shortened whatever sickness I have by a few days, but still. I had a makeup jury today. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

It just makes me feel like people are getting tired of me. People are getting tired of my “sorry, but I’m sick” messages. The emails. It just makes me feel like a failure. Why can’t I stay healthy for one goddamned month?!

I just want to quit.

It makes me feel like a failure.

Most people go to classes and stuff when they’re sick. I don’t because I don’t want to infect others. But then I feel like people think I don’t try or care enough.

There are people telling me that it’s good that I’m taking care of myself. But because I’m sick so often, I feel like people think I can’t take care of myself. I promise I try. I take my meds. My apartment is clean save for the dirty dishes, but those have only been there for a day and a half.

I’m just feeling disconnected from humanity right now. I’ve been feeling that way all day, so I took a shower. It helped.

I’m still feeling awful.

I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong. Hell, I’ve even been taking multivitamins!

I was working out. I was starting to eat healthy.

Seriously. What am I doing wrong? My apartment is clean. I just don’t get it.

I’m gonna do some homework. Maybe that’ll make me feel a bit less worthless.


Already Behind

It’s only the second day of classes and I already turned in an assignment late.

Wait, what?

There’s this online class. I only checked it today. Shit… it’s being quite demanding on time already. Mostly, everything is timed and you have to keep up with it weekly. I’m not a huge fan of that. I like to work at my own pace if I’m going to do something like this.

It was only opened yesterday online and the professor expected us to have the book, read over the course content, read the book, watch videos, and turn in two assignments in less than 48 hours of having the site accessible and without directly warning us via email. Hell, it’s a damn good thing that I checked it on a whim today because I wouldn’t have done so until Friday and realized that I’m already far further behind.

What a fan-fucking-tastic way to start off my semester.

All of my other classes though are shaping up to be much more relaxing. In a way, I guess. One class, the professor said he thought it to be the easiest class offered at the University. You just have to show up and not sleep in the corner. Yeah, easy enough I’d say.

The others have stuff really kicking in next week. I mean, they started lecturing and all which is totally cool, but nothing to turn in until later.

I’m mostly just peeved because the class that I’m already behind on is a stupid music class that really shouldn’t be taken this intensely. But of course, it’s a class open to a lot of graduate students and I’m a sort of joke in my own department.

Can’t even finish one fucking semester without having a breakdown.

And I’m just starting this one and I’m already having so many issues.

On that note, saw my doctor today. I don’t really know what to make of the outcome. She wants me to stay on the Effexor and pair it with mood stabilizers. Ughhh…. I just don’t know…

And I’ve already taken the first dose. I ate a little, but I really wasn’t hungry. Now I feel sick and I just want to sleep.

Sleep I will, then.

The Lots of Anxious Jealousy

This post brought to you by “VA” – the new album from the band The Last Bison, anxiety, jealousy, and cats.

So, listen to The Last Bison if you haven’t heard of them. They’re on Spotify. They’re on the interwebs. Do it. They’re pretty awesome.

It’s the first day of classes. I have started my semester of “holy shit am I actually going to take 18 semester hours yes I am fuck me”. I’m being fueled by pure anxiety today naturally.

Today’s classes weren’t bad. I still have one more, so I guess I shouldn’t speak too soon. But, it’s Introduction to Afro-Cuban Drumming with James Dreier… and that’s like his thing. Should be a good class.

And of course there’s the anxiety of “I still think I’m pregnant”. My boobs hurt so bad at times and they’re quite itchy. My mood has been all over the place. I expressed some of my concerns to Calvin. Specifically, what would we do if I were to get pregnant now (hypothetically speaking) and that my chest hurt. I didn’t say specifically that I thought I was pregnant, but I’m sure he knows that’s what I’m worried about. I don’t think I was too obvious about it, but he’ll say that I was basically screaming, “I THINK I’M PREGNANT.” over the phone.

Of course, he handled my fears much better than I did and put much of my worries to rest. Of course, I’m still freaking out over it because it’s what I do best.

I have about two weeks left until I should be expecting my monthly visitor to come. Actually less. I can’t remember. I’m too lazy right now to roll over and grab my pack of pills and see how much longer I have. Sorry folks. Can’t be bothered.

Mostly, I’m freaked out over what other people would think/say. How would I be disappointing so many people, but mostly myself I think. I’m supposed to be one of the smart ones. I freaking use birth control and we almost always use a condom. Of course, it only takes one slip up. And about a month ago, Calvin and I were not very good about condoms. Even with birth control and condoms, sometimes shit just happens. I’ll just be pissed if I am at first. I mean, why have two people who aren’t ready right now to have a baby have a baby when there are plenty of ready parents out there wanting to conceive right now, Universe?

Yeah. Fuck you, Universe.

But what would I do? Would I finish out the semester? Would I finish college classes now? I only have 2 semesters left to go – I’m so close. It would seem foolish not to. But would it actually be possible for me? Being pregnant and having to do my practicum and other classes… did I mention that this is hell semester for me? I don’t need an added stress. But I guess I should have thought of that before having unprotected sex. Whoop there it is.

What would my professors think? I’m honestly more scared of what they would think then my parents. My parents would just shake their head for a while then help me plan/get on with my life. My professors… my lovely professors who have been so accommodating with my mental illness already… what would they think? My peers… some would definitely judge. Those who I know would judge I don’t care for them really anyway. I’d like to think that most of them would be supporting. Of course, they’d know it was a major screw up on my part and talk about it behind my back, but I don’t think they would completely turn on me. My sister would probably be upset that I beat her to it.

Well, she’ll have a second rock on her finger before I get one, so she can suck it.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about what our exes would think. Mine would probably laugh in my face, but I have such minimal contact with all of them and am only on what I would consider good terms with one of them. Calvin’s exes are a little… weirder.

I don’t really know Clara, but I’d like to think she’d be supportive of Calvin. From what he’s told me, that relationship was more of a friendship anyway and it failed because they were too friendly and lacked romance. More so, she didn’t really reciprocate his feelings and had a lot of issues with him but she failed to actually tell him and it was a very “first relationship” kind of romance that was just… yeah. Lacking.

But Alisha. Oh jeeze. I want to talk about it, but I can’t. She’s so religious that she would probably just condone our premarital sex. Yet, she and Calvin tried to have sex so… I have no idea. But I don’t get her. Despite Calvin explaining his attraction to her to me, I still don’t get it.

Basically, she was so easy to please and simple minded, it was easy to be with her. She wasn’t complicated except when Jesus was involved. It was easy to make her happy, and making her happy made him happy, thus relationship. And she’s fairly pretty. Although, he told me that he doesn’t like her smile. I have to say all of this because I’ve been finding how much I actually have a problem with jealousy.

I thought I was the kind to never get jealous because that’s how I always was. Now… I have to admit that I have always had a jealousy problem.

To wrap up this post quickly because I’m going to be late to my last class, my cat has the worst poops. Seriously. His shit is so bad, even when I have just cleaned his liter box. It’s probably because when I asked my sister to buy cat food for him in case he ran out, she decided to just feed whatever her boyfriend was feeding his cats to mine. Now that I have him back on his regular food… oh my. It’s bad.

A Guilty List

What I’ve learned this Winter Break in no particular order:

1. Flying kind of sucks.

2. People really don’t joke about airplane food.

3. Good Congee is amazing.

4. I have a nack for making nicknames for things I’m unsure of their real name (i.e. Chinese doughnut, Chinese taco)

5. If walking to the good Congee place from Tai Wai station, the second pedestrian cross light gives the warning beep 7 times.

6. Calvin’s mom cooks the best salmon ever.

7. All the pedestrian cross lights beep for those with visual impairments in Hong Kong.

8. Replacing your car starter is expensive.

9. Fireball Whiskey is a new thing for many people.

10. Hong Kong exceeded any kind of expectations I had for it.

11. I’m really tall in Hong Kong.

12. I can still find clothes in my current size in Hong Kong. Clothes that I like.

13. Calvin’s family all knows I love cats.

14. They will encourage said love of cats with much gusto and enthusiasm.

15. Calvin doesn’t like Angry Orchard Hard Cider. Too sweet.

16. Calvin is too nice to barter with street vendors.

17. Don’t go anywhere without a pack of tissues. Seriously.

18. Women leave the toilet seat up frequently in restrooms in Hong Kong. This still perplexes me.

19. Jet lag is serious business that I have yet to understand.

20. Public transportation in Hong Kong is amazing.

21. Public transportation in the states sucks.

22. My cat has a bizarre meow.

23. Food is so inexpensive in Hong Kong in comparison to the states.

24. White pepper is a common thing in Hong Kong.

25. White pepper is delicious.

26. I stick out like a sore thumb in Hong Kong with my American accent alone.

27. My stomach does not adjust to change well.

28. The food in Hong Kong is enough for me to want to live there.

29. I want/need to learn Cantonese for Calvin and his family.

30. Calvin’s extended family has already accepted me as “The One”.

31. Hairstylists in Hong Kong take their profession very seriously.

32. Retired Hairstylists in Hong Kong that continue to cut and style hair for fun take their profession very seriously.

33. I only want to have my hair cut by one man for the rest of my life and he resides in Hong Kong.

34. Calvin’s dad is a very black-and-white kind of guy. He sees other arguments, but once he makes up his mind, it’s most right.

35. Drinking from coconuts is awesome.

36. Drinking tea all the time is even more awesome.

37. Not-hot beverages cost more than their warm counterparts.

38. What holds up the tiramisu is not plastic but rather chocolate. Mind. Blown.

39. Fresh fish is the best fish.

40. Many people above the age of 40 are extremely polite. Like, put the Midwest-polite to shame polite.

41. Shopping malls are everywhere.

42. Don’t expect to actually shop at a lot of those centers though, since they’re almost all designer stores like Burberry, Dior, etc..

43. Hong Kong winter is amazing weather.

44. The food presentation can be shocking (i.e. whole fish on a plate), but is beautiful if you can get over your squeemishness of seeing a whole fish on a plate.

45. I have seen Mango Heaven. It’s a beautiful place.

46. Pizza Hut in Hong Kong is a legitimate restaurant. I mean, sit down, nice menus, fancy drinks, the whole deal. And it’s delicious of course.

47. Bamboo is used as scaffolding. I knew this already, but I didn’t know how it completely covers a building.

48. Some early¬†signs of pregnancy are breast pain, a light, not-so-period-like period….

49. This winter break has been an unforgettable experience.

50. I feel guilty for having this experience.

Coming back home has been hard for a number of reasons. I went from being with Calvin for the most intense period of time to being separated by school again. I am beyond broke. I’m terrified that I might actually be pregnant. I’m about to start classes with 18 credit hours while trying to finish up last semester. I’m not taking any medications currently because I don’t like these new ones and I don’t see my doctor until Wednesday.

A lot of what I’m freaking out about is just I’m freaking out. I had a vacation and I’m back to reality and it is beyond a reality shock. I’m forced back into this and I’m not as ready as I thought I would be.

Honestly, who ever is ready though?

I never am. Let’s be real.

This post has been overdue, like a lot of things in my life right now, and I can’t finish it because it’s 6:30 and I’m ready for bed. This is awful. I’m gonna try to make it to 8:00 if not 9:00.

Jet lag man…

The Hong Kong Adventures: Part 2 – Umm….. Except Not in HK Anymore….

I totally suck.

Mostly, I’m super jetlagged and haven’t updated.

So, I’m back in the states chilling out at Calvin’s apartment sans Calvin. He’s at an ensemble rehearsal meeting then is getting dinner with his quartet. I’ve been sick all day from eating a raw egg yolk (a.k.a. asian style fried egg.)

I’m debating right now wether or not to just go back to sleep or to stay awake. I have stuff I could do, but I don’t really want to do it. If I stay up, I’ll eat. I don’t really want to eat right now. Mostly because the only thing I can eat is popcorn because that’s all we have in the pantry.

But if I fall asleep, I’m gonna wake up again at 1:30 AM and be up for a few hours and then fall back asleep and I’m not gonna beat this jet lag. But I also don’t have anything interesting to do right now.

It’s kind of nice being back. It’s also kinda boring. I don’t know.

It’s also a bit of a relief to not have to be doing something every waking moment. I’m a bit burnt out on people and activities. I just need to be alone for a while to not do anything.

So I guess I’m doing just that.

Except now I’m eating candy which I really shouldn’t do.

And I finished the box of Buncha Crunch. Whoops. Not even sorry.

Yeah, I’m going to go back to sleep. Sorry for such a lame post. Once I get home home (like, not at Calvin’s place but my place) I will post a list of things I learned in Hong Kong. I did learn a lot, saw some strange things I have questions about, and became much closer to Calvin and his family. But for now, I’m gonna be lame and sleep.

The Hong Kong Adventures: Part 1 – Pressure Against Boredom

Oh what a day.

I’m sure we were all expecting much more updates from me given my current location (Hong Kong.) Maybe some of you guessed that I wouldn’t be updating as often since I’m on a type a vacation. Or maybe most of you did.

Anyway, I’m disappointed in myself for my lack of writing. Apologies.

Hong Kong has been an adventure. I’ve had so much delicious and bizarre food. I’ve climbed a mountain, walked down to the beach, then proceeded back up the mountain. I’ve hand picked my dinner of large shrimp, oysters, and fish. I’ve shopped at some of the biggest name-brand stores the world has to offer. I’ve walked countless miles, been on even more escalators and elevators than any person should, and ran into several animate and inanimate objects/living beings. I’ve witnessed a traditional Taoist funeral procession. I’ve been stared at by so many by being a racial minority in a rural area. I’ve haggled and been begged to by street vendors. I’ve done more than I could have imagined.

And here is a great revelation.

I’ve been bored.

It’s a different experience traveling to a foreign land as a tourist and visiting the sights with others that are just as unfamiliar with the place as you than traveling with a native. Being with Calvin has proven to be a necessary asset for my survival here. Many of the restaurants that we’ve been to have been hand picked due to their specialty dishes. He’s also been able to communicate with servers and merchants when I haven’t. He knows his way around.

Something I expected with this experience was the countless hours of listening to Cantonese. I’ve learned a few words/phrases, but it’s been very difficult. I’ve felt very pressured to feel like I’m being entertained for my hosts that I’m not actually enjoying myself. I’m pressuring myself to the point of severe panic attacks and extreme fatigue. I’ve been sick with a sore throat for 3 days which slowed me down. I’ve also had one dangerous panic attack that no amount of medications could help. By pressuring myself and making myself so fatigued, I’ve caused my hosts to think weakly of me. Obviously not the goal I’m aiming for as my hosts are my boyfriend’s parents.

Calvin’s mom knows most of it. But she’s also a bit… hovering? That’s the only word I can use to describe it. I don’t do well with that kind of stuff. I like to deal with my problems on my own in my own way. I don’t like people dictating what I’m going to do or what I should do unless I’m paying them to do it. I didn’t receive a whole lot of parenting growing up – I taking it rather offensively when people try to “parent” me.

Calvin’s dad… I have no idea what he knows. Probably very little. I don’t know how to feel about that. He’s very rational and logical. He doesn’t get why I’m always so tired and wanting to stay in or lay low when the lifestyle in Hong Kong is so go-go-go from the time you wake up to the time you sleep. Part of me feels like he might understand it if it was explained to him properly. Another part of me feels that no amount of explaining will get him to understand since the whole basis of it is illogical and irrational.

Just…. fuck anxiety. I’m supposed to go eat mangoes Calvin’s mom prepared now. I will try to update more frequently while here. (Written January 2, 2015)