The Lots of Anxious Jealousy

This post brought to you by “VA” – the new album from the band The Last Bison, anxiety, jealousy, and cats.

So, listen to The Last Bison if you haven’t heard of them. They’re on Spotify. They’re on the interwebs. Do it. They’re pretty awesome.

It’s the first day of classes. I have started my semester of “holy shit am I actually going to take 18 semester hours yes I am fuck me”. I’m being fueled by pure anxiety today naturally.

Today’s classes weren’t bad. I still have one more, so I guess I shouldn’t speak too soon. But, it’s Introduction to Afro-Cuban Drumming with James Dreier… and that’s like his thing. Should be a good class.

And of course there’s the anxiety of “I still think I’m pregnant”. My boobs hurt so bad at times and they’re quite itchy. My mood has been all over the place. I expressed some of my concerns to Calvin. Specifically, what would we do if I were to get pregnant now (hypothetically speaking) and that my chest hurt. I didn’t say specifically that I thought I was pregnant, but I’m sure he knows that’s what I’m worried about. I don’t think I was too obvious about it, but he’ll say that I was basically screaming, “I THINK I’M PREGNANT.” over the phone.

Of course, he handled my fears much better than I did and put much of my worries to rest. Of course, I’m still freaking out over it because it’s what I do best.

I have about two weeks left until I should be expecting my monthly visitor to come. Actually less. I can’t remember. I’m too lazy right now to roll over and grab my pack of pills and see how much longer I have. Sorry folks. Can’t be bothered.

Mostly, I’m freaked out over what other people would think/say. How would I be disappointing so many people, but mostly myself I think. I’m supposed to be one of the smart ones. I freaking use birth control and we almost always use a condom. Of course, it only takes one slip up. And about a month ago, Calvin and I were not very good about condoms. Even with birth control and condoms, sometimes shit just happens. I’ll just be pissed if I am at first. I mean, why have two people who aren’t ready right now to have a baby have a baby when there are plenty of ready parents out there wanting to conceive right now, Universe?

Yeah. Fuck you, Universe.

But what would I do? Would I finish out the semester? Would I finish college classes now? I only have 2 semesters left to go – I’m so close. It would seem foolish not to. But would it actually be possible for me? Being pregnant and having to do my practicum and other classes… did I mention that this is hell semester for me? I don’t need an added stress. But I guess I should have thought of that before having unprotected sex. Whoop there it is.

What would my professors think? I’m honestly more scared of what they would think then my parents. My parents would just shake their head for a while then help me plan/get on with my life. My professors… my lovely professors who have been so accommodating with my mental illness already… what would they think? My peers… some would definitely judge. Those who I know would judge I don’t care for them really anyway. I’d like to think that most of them would be supporting. Of course, they’d know it was a major screw up on my part and talk about it behind my back, but I don’t think they would completely turn on me. My sister would probably be upset that I beat her to it.

Well, she’ll have a second rock on her finger before I get one, so she can suck it.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about what our exes would think. Mine would probably laugh in my face, but I have such minimal contact with all of them and am only on what I would consider good terms with one of them. Calvin’s exes are a little… weirder.

I don’t really know Clara, but I’d like to think she’d be supportive of Calvin. From what he’s told me, that relationship was more of a friendship anyway and it failed because they were too friendly and lacked romance. More so, she didn’t really reciprocate his feelings and had a lot of issues with him but she failed to actually tell him and it was a very “first relationship” kind of romance that was just… yeah. Lacking.

But Alisha. Oh jeeze. I want to talk about it, but I can’t. She’s so religious that she would probably just condone our premarital sex. Yet, she and Calvin tried to have sex so… I have no idea. But I don’t get her. Despite Calvin explaining his attraction to her to me, I still don’t get it.

Basically, she was so easy to please and simple minded, it was easy to be with her. She wasn’t complicated except when Jesus was involved. It was easy to make her happy, and making her happy made him happy, thus relationship. And she’s fairly pretty. Although, he told me that he doesn’t like her smile. I have to say all of this because I’ve been finding how much I actually have a problem with jealousy.

I thought I was the kind to never get jealous because that’s how I always was. Now… I have to admit that I have always had a jealousy problem.

To wrap up this post quickly because I’m going to be late to my last class, my cat has the worst poops. Seriously. His shit is so bad, even when I have just cleaned his liter box. It’s probably because when I asked my sister to buy cat food for him in case he ran out, she decided to just feed whatever her boyfriend was feeding his cats to mine. Now that I have him back on his regular food… oh my. It’s bad.

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