Burnt Out

Oh, what a day.

I have two exams that I’ve barely studied for. I’m fighting to keep my eyes open and I’ve been up for two hours. I have a voice lesson that I’m not ready for in less than an hour. Then studio right after that.

It’s only week five and I’m already getting very burnt out.

I spent my entire weekend doing nothing.

That’s right.

I got nothing done.

Okay, I shouldn’t say that. I wrote my session plan (and I feel pretty solid for this next session.) I did some other homework that was due. Studied for the tests… kinda. I mean. I went over my notes a few times. It’s just hard to be motivated to study for the same damn test you’ve taken 3 times already at least.

What are correlational methods of research? What’s a longitudinal study? The history of psychology: go. I know this stuff mostly. So to learn the little extra bits they want us to is really hard to motivate myself for.

Also, there’s been a lot of drama in the studio.

I’m tired.

I’m burnt out.

I have a million things that I have to do.

So I’m going back to basics. Getting back to myself. No more overachieving. Do what I need to do, then stop. Plan things out.

Tonight, I’m going home to do laundry. I will stay until 8:00 at the latest. Drive back. Practice.

I’m not going to go to my first two classes today. I’ve had a bad panic attack and my digestive system is not happy even though I have been eating well and eating less.

Ugh…

I’m just burnt out.

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Ugh…. (A Drunken Post of Nothing.)

Drunken post #… something.

Yep.

I’ve been drinking.

Probably not the best thing. Especially because I’ve had quite a lot.

3 cups of champagne. At 36 oz. or some bacardi thing at a bar. 2 shots. 2 Angry Orchards. Some beer. Proably more. Yeah. Very drunk.

But drinking water currently as Leo flings my socks across my apartment. Great.

I need to work hard tomorrow.

Today.

Fuck.

Reasons why I don’t go to the bars.

Because I blew $20 on what would have cost me half if I had just drunk at home.

Yeah.

Not a fan of “the bars”.

Not my thing.

Too many people.

Too expensive.

Yeah.

Rather get drunk alone.

And I don’t have to walk anywhere. That’s a real pain.

Also, had to see a guy from high school that I dated. Pretty sure some of my friends heard me saying that I dated him. Because I’m drunk. And he was working. God.

I’d rather drink at a party.

Much rather.

But this week has been interesting.

I went back to the Newman Center (catholic student center on campus.) Of course, had an anxiety attack while there. And other anxiety-producing issues, like first music therapy practicum session, 2 school exams, etc. and Lisa cancels.

And I’m dumb enough to not have another appointment schedules until March because I didn’t call in January.

My neighbor just got home. He’s nice. Pushed me out of the snow once.

I know if I go to bed now, I’ll be hung over as fuck tomorrow and regret it. But I’m so tired and have been for a while.

I shouldn’t have drank tonight.

I will post tomorrow about several things.

Sorry this post isn’t very informative/relevant. I will be more so in my next post.

Especially concerning jealously.

The Project: 12 Hours Sans Music

12 Continuous Hours Without Music

10:13 AM – 

Starting this project for my Psychology of Music Class. I’m supposed to keep a recorded journal. What better way to start than by posting it on my blog as well? I should note that today I am sick with a sinus infection so I am not going to any classes. I am going to go to the store to buy my medicine as well as drive home for the afternoon/evening to do laundry at my parents’ home and to hang out with them.

12:21 PM –

I have turned the volume off on my phone. Whenever I play games on my phone, I keep the music on. Since I’m not allowed to listen to music, this means no volume on games. I also tried to start watching an episode of my new favorite TV drama, but had to stop due to the music in it.

This assignment is already proving to be quite annoying.

2:39 PM – 

I have had at least 4 different songs stuck in my head in the last 2 hours or so. This is really frustrating that I can’t listen to them. When I called Triple A (AAA) earlier to have my car jumped, I had to keep the earpiece away from my phone but check every so often to see if I had an actual person on the line while I was on hold due to the fact that they play music while you’re waiting. That was also very frustrating. All in all, I’m only about a third of the way done with this assignment and I cannot wait for it to be over. I will probably binge all night on various kinds of music from todays hits to folk music to children’s music to saxophone concertos to ACDC.

5:15 PM –

I just dug my car out of the snow for an hour after getting it jumped, put some gas in it, drove to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics to make this sinus infection go away, then drove back to my parents’ place in Muscatine. That drive was torture without being able to listen to music. I do enjoy listening to NPR, but at the time I was driving, NPR was doing some segment on an old singer and playing little excerpts of her songs in between dialogue. Talk about back luck, huh? This task is turning to be more impossible than anything. Commercials all have background music. It was a good excuse to go through the drive through at the pharmacy because inside I figured there would be music playing on the overhead speakers. Never mind. I’m sick and frustrated. Just let me have my music!! Over half way there!

6:23 PM –

Of course, the one episode of “The Big Bang Theory” I watch has Howard singing to Bernadette. Of course.

8:38 PM – 

I have had to barricade myself in the guest room to hide from music. Even on TV. We use music everywhere. In our society, it’s unavoidable in entertainment.

10:10 PM –

The end is so close, I can taste it.

10:23 PM –

It’s been over for 10 minutes. I wasn’t paying too much attention.

That was incredibly difficult. I found myself paying much more attention to the music in the background of things strictly so I could avoid it. That was incredibly difficult. Not very fun either. I had to cover my ears with these ridiculous noise-canceling headphones that my dad wears when he’s using the snow blower to watch TV with my family. We had to mute the TV at every commercial break, which actually wasn’t too bad. But of course, Super Bowl commercials would come on and my dad would want me to see them and when I asked if they had music, he’d say, “We’ll watch it later on your computer.”

Of course, I’m complaining because I was the odd one out. I had to avoid music whereas my family got to enjoy it. It makes you really think, though.

I think back to all the people that have and still ask me today what I want to do with a degree in music. It’s hard to explain how deeply music is connected to me and how I am connected to it so personally when at times I don’t even realize it. Music is so incredibly engrained in our society that we often don’t even recognize it. It adds to the suspense on our favorite TV drama. It’s in the catchy slogan of that one advertisement. We listen to it for entertainment and find it in the most unsuspecting places.

You don’t have to be a musician to appreciate the music in your life. It’s almost impossible to avoid music anywhere in our society today. My day (12 hours) without music was very bland and dull. I mean, it was kind of fun trying to avoid it. After that fun, what was left? What did I do when I had “escaped the music”?

Sat in silence.

What a boring day indeed.

The Large, Dense Brick

I’ve just gone from 5 miles per hour to 500 in the span of 8 weeks.

I say this because of my new supervisor.

Important: I’m not bashing her. I like her a lot and I like that she has a lot to say on my sessions as compared to my previous supervisor who hardly commented on my session plans. It’s just that. I went from a supervisor who would tell me a few things to fix, some big, some small, but only did that once or twice to getting back a session plan with a whole lot of red on it. Two very different styles of teaching. I feel like I’ve been slammed in the face with a brick.

A very large, dense brick.

I always knew that my current supervisor was the one everyone said always has a lot to say. I like it because I know that she’s really paying attention to what I’m doing and is going to help me see how to do things better. I’m not saying my supervisor didn’t last semester, it’s just that she was much more go-with-the-flow. She’d read the plan, make sure nothing was too outrageous and make sure it was a solid plan, make a few comments as to how I could lengthen/expand on some interventions as to prompt a bigger/better response, but maaannnn. All of this red.

Like I said. A large, dense brick has just been slammed in my face.

I took my medicine because I was starting to freak out.

Now I’m going to go through my avoidance phase where I try not to think about anything music therapy related for the next few hours.

Alright. I’m going to be honest.

There are times where I really like music therapy. I like it a lot. There are times where the anxious introvert in me doesn’t want anything to do with it. I would like to do research maybe. Maybe become a music psychologist. Which reminds me I have an assignment to do before my friends come over.

So I think about doing research. I think about becoming a stay-at-home mom once Calvin has a stable job and we have kids. I think about anything that isn’t music therapy because working with people scares me.

I also know that it took me a year of extreme pre-work anxiety for me to adjust to my job as a waitress. After that, I liked the people I worked with, I liked my job because I became good at it, and I liked working with people.

It’s just one of those things that I know I have to push through before I become comfortable with it. I won’t become comfortable with doing sessions until I’m doing it for real, on my own, and I get some practice under my belt.

It’s just scary pushing through that.