Greed

I’m resisting change.

This change being the layout of editing for wordpress.

I’ll deal.

Currently jacked on some sedatives due to a major panic attack episode. Just the good ol’ stuff. Although, this is my 3rd major attack in 4 weeks. Things aren’t looking too good.

People that don’t want to help themselves.

We see them everywhere. The homeless man that takes the loose change to buy cigarettes from around the corner. The college student that binges on Netflix instead of studying for her exam the next morning. The obese woman buying Oreos at the grocery store.

Fuck. I hate this.

What are their stories? What circumstance led them to make those decisions?

I have a friend that refuses to go on any kind of medication because they make her feel like she isn’t herself and that she’s too passive. She also refuses to see a therapist because she’s struggling but she isn’t suicidal right now so it’s “not a big deal”.

I also have been struggling to take my medication recently but for other reasons. Forgetfulness. Inconvenience. Finances. Yet I’ve been doing pretty okay. I just learn to deal.

Except when this happens and I’m thrown sideways then flipped over onto my back.

I want to help myself. I want to stop eating shit. I want to keep exercising. I want to study and do well in school. I want to practice my instruments and play them well for my teachers. I want to take my meds and not worry about another hospital visit. I want to I want to I want to….

I want to do it all. Sadly, I’m too drugged up on my medicine to do much of anything useful today. I watched Wolf of Wall Street. Made me feel pretty worthless but pretty awesome.

I’m greedy, but in a different sense. I want all this greatness in my life but not at the cost of others.

Instead, my laziness is costing others their time, effort, and energy.

I’m greedy for laziness I guess.

Believe

It’s a mantra you have to beat into your head every five seconds.

It’s a way of life. It’s a belief system.

What do I believe in?

I believe that I don’t know anything for certain. That everything will come in due time. Karma. Repentance. Forgiveness. Selflessness is the key to a fulfilling life. Anxiety is something natural but demands to be known more to others. That I will get through this.

For the first time in a while, I believe I will get through this.

And that’s what’s been making all the difference. I actually believe.

Roller Coaster

Improvement.

I was on a roller coaster going up.

I was able to go and complete a whole session without any medication.

A whole music therapy practicum session without any sedatives or betablockers.

I did it.

That was 2 weeks ago.

This week….

I can’t sleep. I’ve been throwing up all night. I have a massive headache. I feel horrible. I feel like the worst person ever. I’m hoping that this will be the thing that can calm me down. It usually is.

I picked a losing fight last night with Calvin. It’s something that has bothered me, but I know it’s petty and dumb to be bothered by it. Had I given it more time, I would have forgotten about it and it would have never been a problem.

Now, it’s sparked some huge differences between us. We’ll get past it, but it just could not have been worse timing.

But again, I picked the fight. I brought it up.

I shouldn’t have called him. I was already having a bad day. I shouldn’t have spoken my shallow thoughts. It was immature of me.

I’m being selfish and jealous and immature and those are all the qualities I loathe.

So great.

I loathe myself.

And now, I cancelled my appointment for Friday.

I’ve really outdone myself here. Put myself in the worst situation possible. Made it so I can’t keep moving forward.

My roller coaster has hit a downhill. I’m not surprised. There are ups and downs to everything and sometimes going down is the best part. You learn so much about yourself and humanity by going down.

Lasso

Can I hate myself a little bit more?

Beginning to think that I’m the worst person alive again.

And thus begins the cycle.

Session tomorrow morning. Piano teacher wants to move my lesson to tomorrow. My cat has gunk coming out from his eye. I’m like every college student – broke. Behind on school work. Feeling disorganized. Exhausted. Feeling disgusted with my body. My health has been all over the place. Late. I’m late. I’m late for everything.

I need spring break. I need it now.

Someone has wrapped a lasso around me constricting all of my movements.