Roller Coaster

Improvement.

I was on a roller coaster going up.

I was able to go and complete a whole session without any medication.

A whole music therapy practicum session without any sedatives or betablockers.

I did it.

That was 2 weeks ago.

This week….

I can’t sleep. I’ve been throwing up all night. I have a massive headache. I feel horrible. I feel like the worst person ever. I’m hoping that this will be the thing that can calm me down. It usually is.

I picked a losing fight last night with Calvin. It’s something that has bothered me, but I know it’s petty and dumb to be bothered by it. Had I given it more time, I would have forgotten about it and it would have never been a problem.

Now, it’s sparked some huge differences between us. We’ll get past it, but it just could not have been worse timing.

But again, I picked the fight. I brought it up.

I shouldn’t have called him. I was already having a bad day. I shouldn’t have spoken my shallow thoughts. It was immature of me.

I’m being selfish and jealous and immature and those are all the qualities I loathe.

So great.

I loathe myself.

And now, I cancelled my appointment for Friday.

I’ve really outdone myself here. Put myself in the worst situation possible. Made it so I can’t keep moving forward.

My roller coaster has hit a downhill. I’m not surprised. There are ups and downs to everything and sometimes going down is the best part. You learn so much about yourself and humanity by going down.

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