I’m resisting change.
This change being the layout of editing for wordpress.
Currently jacked on some sedatives due to a major panic attack episode. Just the good ol’ stuff. Although, this is my 3rd major attack in 4 weeks. Things aren’t looking too good.
People that don’t want to help themselves.
We see them everywhere. The homeless man that takes the loose change to buy cigarettes from around the corner. The college student that binges on Netflix instead of studying for her exam the next morning. The obese woman buying Oreos at the grocery store.
Fuck. I hate this.
What are their stories? What circumstance led them to make those decisions?
I have a friend that refuses to go on any kind of medication because they make her feel like she isn’t herself and that she’s too passive. She also refuses to see a therapist because she’s struggling but she isn’t suicidal right now so it’s “not a big deal”.
I also have been struggling to take my medication recently but for other reasons. Forgetfulness. Inconvenience. Finances. Yet I’ve been doing pretty okay. I just learn to deal.
Except when this happens and I’m thrown sideways then flipped over onto my back.
I want to help myself. I want to stop eating shit. I want to keep exercising. I want to study and do well in school. I want to practice my instruments and play them well for my teachers. I want to take my meds and not worry about another hospital visit. I want to I want to I want to….
I want to do it all. Sadly, I’m too drugged up on my medicine to do much of anything useful today. I watched Wolf of Wall Street. Made me feel pretty worthless but pretty awesome.
I’m greedy, but in a different sense. I want all this greatness in my life but not at the cost of others.
Instead, my laziness is costing others their time, effort, and energy.
I’m greedy for laziness I guess.