90 Days

It’s been a wasted weekend.

Friday was nice… until my car decided to not start. Found out today it’s not the battery. Joy.

Spent all day yesterday and today sick as can be. Still have a fever and some congestion, but it’s a large improvement from yesterday.

Now, I can’t shut my brain off. I have to keep telling myself that there isn’t anything I can do but wait for my car to get fixed then take care of business. Unfortunately, my brain doesn’t want to listen and just wants me to know that I’VE FUCKED QUITE LITERALLY EVERYTHING UP.

Alright.

I have one week.

Calvin’s gonna be here on Friday.

We’re going to have a nice family dinner Saturday.

I have stuff to take care of between then, but I will take care of it and it will all be okay.

It will be okay.

God, I just wish I could actually believe that.

Between looking up all the symptoms of whatever my body’s going through to thinking that I’m dying to hoping that I’m dying to wishing I could just disappear to oh god why oh why am I thinking like this?

WebMD and all other similar sites should be blocked on my computer.

And now my cat has decided to relax right where I’m going to sleep. Nice one.

Although, Calvin did remind me of something nice the other day.

We’ve been together for a year and a half.

Huh.

That’s kind of awesome.

Or really awesome.

Yeah.

It’s really awesome.

He’s coming up on being my longest relationship yet. I mean, I had hoped that he would be the longest relationship and have been planning on him being so for quite some time, but it’s just exciting to see him surpass all those who came before.

Just a novel thing it seems, but it means something to me. It makes it that much more real to me. It makes what we have seem that much more special.

Granted, he still has a few months to go before we call it my longest relationship, but he’s darn close!

I’ve had two relationships last for about a year and 7 months. Only one of those though was a consecutive 19 months. And even that had breaks. Did I math that right? Sorry, still have a fever here.

And one of those was not like… hmm… I mean, I just don’t feel like I can count that as a full year and a half plus a month. There was about a 7 month break between that one where we got back together and it wasn’t a good idea at all and I don’t know what we were thinking. We “started fresh” and nothing was fresh about it at all.

I mean, stuff with Calvin has been so easy looking back on those. Yes, things have been very stressful lately and we’ve had our share of problems. But all of our problems are fixable. Or at least, I feel like I actually want to work on them. That’s a pretty neat thing I think.

This is things on my end though. I’m sure his side is different.

I know my health concerns have been difficult on both of us. Especially lately. Depressive episodes are always hard on all parties involved.

I calculated something today. 90 more days until I reach 500 days of no cutting. That puts me at early August for my 500 days. August 2nd to be exact (I think. Not very exact I guess.)

I had thought that when that day came, that would be the day I would tell social media of my struggles. By social media, I mean Facebook and the works. For some, it wouldn’t be a surprise at all. A few people know about that. Almost everyone who interacts with me on even a weekly basis knows of my anxiety problems. I think people just automatically lump in the depression with it, but I think fewer know about how deep that goes.

Or I’m just really bad at reading people.

I’m open about it when people ask, I’m just not one to openly talk about it on social media. I support it and I’m sure by some of my posts people who actually read into them can guess here and there. I’ve just never openly said to a public audience that I’ve struggled a great deal with self harm and depression.

I guess people who have always openly proclaimed their beliefs/life stories on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/etc. have always bothered me. I just feel that some things should be private and that no one really wants to know those things unless they really know you.

Which another part of me doesn’t think that’s true at all. I think being open about certain things can be liberating and show progress.

I know I have made progress. It’s really hard for me to tell at times, but I have. And I have to keep telling myself that.

90 days. I wonder what kind of person I’ll be in 90 days.