Disappointment Being Distraught

To set the tone straight, I am not a happy person.

I’m sitting at my parents house for the second time this weekend. I was just here yesterday as my step-mom’s family from Canada was in town.

One of her nephew’s is about 25. He has some sort of developmental disorder, probably is somewhere on the autism spectrum. He was reportedly very excited to meet my sister and I. We were apparently a disappointment.

The pictures my parents have of us hanging around the house are at least 5-6 years old. Most of them are from my freshman and sophomore year of high school. You see, he was excited to meet us because he was thinking we would still be like that. Apparently we’re too much like grown-ups, though.

For me, it was already kind of a tough day. Usually events that are held at my parent’s place that involve my step-family are awkward for me. I don’t really know where I fit in, I’m socially inept, and I just want to sit on the couch with my dad and catch up with him. In fact, that’s actually what I almost always do. I come home to be with my dad. The night before at work had been the most stressful one yet. I wasn’t in a socializing mood to begin with.

It was just awkward. I was socially drained, reflecting that I had to go to work soon, and it just wasn’t a good day for me. I talked to my step-nephew and his mom for a bit. Talked to my sister mostly. I just wasn’t happy to be there as much as I actually wanted to be.

I feel like such a failure in so many ways.

I was awkward and rude, I felt like a deadbeat. I’ll bet I was much more welcoming and understanding when I last met some of them 6-7 years ago.

It’s just made me think how much time has gone past since 7 years ago. How much has changed. What I’m happy about with my life and what I’m not.

7 years ago, I was running. My to-do lists consisted of going to open gyms for volleyball and basketball and going to summer lifting. I was exploring more into the world of saxophone and discovered Nobuya Sugawa and the Fuzzy Bird Sonata. My dad was getting remarried and we were leaving the home my mother died in. I was in drivers education and the flood of 2008 wrecked Iowa City, Coralville, Cedar Rapids, and many other places. I was dating the first boy I had ever had a crush on back when I was 7-years-old. I was roughly 70-pounds lighter and full of promise.

What has happened in 7 years?

So much good, yet so much bad.

I want to reconnect with myself. I want to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made over the last 7 years. I’m sad that I’ve lost some friendships, sad that I’ve made people hate me. I’m sad that I’ve let my health deteriorate at such a cost. I’m sad that I think I’m not as happy as I was 7 years ago yet I have so many better things in my life now.

I have a healthy relationship with my dad. I’m independent – I can drink, smoke, vote, be anything. I’m in a relationship that is… I can’t even describe it. We have our troubles, yes, but we’re smart and we work through them together. What’s most important is that we love each other and we have so much fun together. I don’t and wouldn’t want to spend my time with anyone else. I have a cat who is loving, cuddly, goofy, and annoying. I’m pursuing a degree that I passionately care about and that I’m pretty good at for the level I am.

I feel like something is totally and completely not right, though.

I know my view of my identity has changed drastically from 7 years ago. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m a completely different person now. It makes me wonder if the friends that I had back then… if we were all put together again, if we would be friends at all.

The first boy I ever dated, Ben, has been a repeating offender in my dreams as of late. I see him everywhere in my dreams. I think he will always be my biggest regret. I will always wonder if I had been more mature and less of a hot-head when we were dating if we would still be friends. I wonder if I impacted him in a way. I think I did but it was very negative. According to a mutual friend, he thinks the arts are the biggest waste of time and money. Science is the only real truth in the world and everything else is just for pleasure. He’s been back to Iowa City a few times since we’ve broken up. I haven’t seen him since July of 2009.

I wonder why I’m so hung up on him. I really don’t get it. I’ve had other relationships/flings since then.

I’m also kind of jealous that Calvin can have such a good relationship with some of his exes and I can’t. Not that he won’t let me, I’m just pretty sure that none of them want to talk to me ever again.

I really don’t mind that Calvin is friends with his exes. Well, there’s really only one he’s friends with and it doesn’t bother me at all.

I just don’t understand why I get so incredibly hung up on some people. Only a few people. I have some weird psychological thing going on.

Well, I guess now I have a serious topic for my next therapy session. Yippie.

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