Day 89/499

Today is day 89.

This is in reference to my “90 Days” post.

I felt like 90 days would be transformative. In some ways, they have been.

I’ve worked out at least 5 days a week for the last 2 weeks. I’ve already noticed some changes in my body. Right now, I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been.

It’s a great outlet for my anxiety. God knows I’ve had a lot of that the last few weeks.

Calvin’s back in Hong Kong. And we left on absolutely horrible terms.

I don’t want to talk to him, but all I want to do is talk to him. I feel like when he’s in Hong Kong, he can avoid me. He does avoid me. He has all of these reasons to avoid me and I can’t say shit about it. His time there is precious and I have to be understanding of that.

We have this elephant in the room.

It’s hard, cross-cultural relationships. Trying to fit someone into your unique lifestyle. When we fight, that’s usually what we fight about.

Our last fight makes me feel like I did all those months ago when we first started seeing each other romantically. It’s the exact same thing and I know I will not feel okay until we address it.

Calvin decided the night before he left for Hong Kong that it would be a great time to discuss how he feels pressured by me to get engaged soon and how he thinks we have so much to work on as a couple before we do get engaged.

He’s right in that we have a lot to work on. I’m not sure exactly what I’ve said to make him feel pressured, but I don’t doubt his words. I’ve probably said something and it was taken out of context to mean “I want to get engaged right now”. And I’ll be honest, sometimes a girl gets excited seeing that many of her friends getting engaged or married and wants that too. I’m sure I say more than I mean, to which I am at fault.

But then, typical Victoria takes things above and beyond. When I hear something like that, I take it as “I’ll never see us at that point”.

This is why I feel like I did back then at that one October.

You’re unsure of us again. It drives me crazy. I want to push you away because if you can’t be certain, then I’ll never be certain. I need certainty. I need to know if things are going somewhere. I want to pull you closer because I’m scared if I push you away, you’ll never come back.

And I know I’m right about that.

So here I am, yo-yoing with the idea that it must be me that’s wrong.

I’m so sick of this.

Of course, after that fight to which it seemed in a way that we had come to a conclusion, I had 3 of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a very long time. I sat on his futon for the first one, curled up in the Iowa blanket I made for him. I soaked the seat in tears as I tried to rock myself into oblivion. I couldn’t take it anymore. I went back into the bedroom, still crying a mess, and woke him up.

He was 100% completely lost.

He brought me tissues as I poured my deepest insecurities out. I kept saying, “I’ll never be enough. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for you. I can’t keep doing this to myself.” He sat next to me, sometimes holding me. I think he might have said some comfort words, but I don’t remember them. They didn’t really comfort though as I proceeded to have 2 more panic attacks in front of him. He freaked. I remember him getting up to leave me at some point to decompress in the bathroom. At least, that’s what I think he was doing.

I then proposed that we breakup. He said no.

My therapist says to focus on that part. That’s the important part. He doesn’t want to breakup with me.

But I want to breakup with him.

He doesn’t know how to take care of me at my worst when he’s seen it before and been told how to handle it. I don’t feel loved. I feel avoided. I feel bad about myself. At this point, I’m not sure if it’s more about what he is or isn’t doing or if it’s more about my feelings.

Even if he had been doing things differently, would I be feeling different? Would I feel more secure and happy in our relationship? Is this about me being enough or him being enough?

Or is this me trying to give him an excuse again?

Happiness is a fickle things.

89 days ago, I had high hopes.

Who would have thought day 499 would be met with this much sorrow and sadness.

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