Record Highs

It’s been an interesting past few weeks.

My day 500 passed with relative ease. I went to my parents’ place, played with my step-nephews, and had a relaxing day. It was a good day. Thinking over what’s happened in 500 days… it’s a bit daunting. I’m happy with how I spent that 500th day.

But my last week has been especially rough.

No meds. My meds have been too expensive. I’m also not the biggest fan of them. They work, but they’re not great. I don’t know if I should even say they work.

I take Effexor and Fetzima in the morning with propranolol or lorazepam (depending on my anxiety levels that day) in the morning. Propranolol again midday. Latuda and propranolol or lorazepam in the evening.

While for some, this amount of pills is nothing. I have very little to complain about. For me, this is overwhelming. To take this many pills and see such mediocre results is upsetting. The cost of the medication itself is more than I’m willing and able to spend for the results I’m getting.

I see the psychiatrist Monday. Hopefully all goes well.

Two of those 5 medications are new. I’m not really up for being a guinea pig.

For now, I have samples.

To continue onto this week, Calvin is our next topic.

He told me the wrong date of his flight. Now we’re arguing over when I come pick him up. My desire is to pick him up and drive straight back to Iowa (since I have his car). He would much rather take his time and spend the whole day Saturday driving to Iowa and the whole day Sunday driving back to Indiana.

I just don’t want to drive down to Bloomington. That’s my boarder. IN-67 is a devil and I’m not driving it. I don’t think I have the patience for it right now.

We’ve just been at odds I feel since he left. He chose an inopportune time to talk about a serious matter and it ended up triggering me to bring me back to my previous mental state. Amazing how one person has that power over my emotional health.

My anxiety has been at a record high since October of 2013. That night alone I had 3 panic attacks. I’ve been struggling again with my depression at a different level. I have something so great and fantastic with this guy and I’m completely terrified that it’s all going to vanish in a blink.

I don’t even know what we’re arguing about at this point. His poor communication skills? My high maintenance? His hesitation? My eagerness?

My dad was telling me about how he thinks that one person is always more invested in a relationship than the other. In most heterosexual relationship cases, he’s noticed it’s the woman who’s more invested.

I don’t know what Calvin wants out of this relationship. Does he want it to be his last? Does he want to leave that door open? Is he too confused to know what he wants? I should ask.

I’m just so tired. It’s time to rest for now. Until later.


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