I’m back after quite a long hiatus.
Mostly because I can’t handle life right now.
I want to start off by saying my 500+ day streak is over.
About 3 weeks ago, I got an email that ripped me to shreds. I had been feeling constantly nauseated by my medication and was already extremely overwhelmed with classes. A concerned email from my main professor set me over the edge down a dark cliff that I had hoped I would never go over again.
I first tried cutting with a kitchen knife. When that didn’t work, I broke the razor that I use to shave which is my most typical method. I cut 4 or 5 times (I don’t really remember and the scabs are mostly faded in with the old ones save for one bigger one.)
Since then, I’ve been swamped with assignments and not doing the greatest. I’ve made great progress on a lot of things – like the internship search that I need in order to graduate and keeping my apartment clean for the most part and not completely shutting down in the face of extreme stress and high demands. I’m still missing a lot more class than I should be and that’s the biggest problem right now.
Today, I woke up with extreme cramps. Pretty usual for the first day of my cycle. But alas, I did not have any liquid-filled ibuprofen. I only had hard tablets of lots of other stuff. I took that as soon as possible, this is around 6:00 AM, and never felt any relief. It was only after one of my best friends dropped off some liquid-filled ibu that I finally felt better. This was around 10:00 that she was able to get here.
Took that and felt better in about 15 minutes.
I fucking hate my body in so many vastly different ways.
But of course, my first class on Thursdays is with my main professor and is at 8:30 AM. I already know she’s concerned about me and my health, now very worried about what that means for my internship because I’m not improving that much. If I miss so much, I won’t get the hours I need.
I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Change careers? Drop out of college? Am I just not cut out for this due to my inability to overcome my illness? How can I be a therapeutic authority if I can’t even function in my day-to-day life?
I’m just very lost right now. I don’t feel confident in myself because so many parts of my life are not reflecting who I really am. I know how musically talented I am. I know how intelligent I am. I know how funny, goofy, and positive I am normally. But my inability to perform turns me into a completely different person. I become fully paralyzed by that which I feel like I should know how to combat.
It makes me feel like a complete failure. I know my GPA and my grades don’t reflect my intelligence, but who’s going to give me that chance when I apply for internships? I know sometimes my performance doesn’t reflect my musical ability, but who’s going to give me that chance? It makes me feel so incredibly hopeless for the future.
One of my biggest triggers is people telling me it’s going to be okay. Loads of people like to remind me that a few weeks from now this will just be some distant memory and when I’m 30 I’ll look back on today thinking that it wasn’t all that bad.
It triggers me because I’m afraid of it happening again, and it will inevitably happen again. It makes me feel like it’s more my fault for feeling like it’s not going to be okay right then and not being okay. It makes me worry for what’s going to come when I’m 30. Will I think it’s not all that bad because it will be worse then? If it just keeps getting worse, what do I have to look forward to?
I’m gonna cuddle with my cat now. I’ll write later today.