Blur

Day 2.

I cried. A lot. Mostly at random times and places. I found a few things that are tokens/belongings of his that I have now stored away that were missed before.

I hiked 3 miles.

I went to the grocery store.

I worked out… hard.

I went to work and had a successful shift.

The pangs of sadness would hit suddenly, but talking about it has been helping a lot. One of my favorite coworkers brought up that he’s probably just scared and confused by all the things that have been happening and how his feelings haven’t changed so he overreacted. My therapist says that this has been a long time brewing and there wasn’t anything I could have really done since there was no communication. My friend reminded me that he openly admitted to not liking reading books.

In one of my moments of extreme pain, I messaged his best friend. I asked how long he had known for. I explained that I’m confused and devastated by this event.

I have fallen back into a depression. It’s good for me to know that ahead of time as I know how to cope with depression to some degree. It’s also good that this is happening when the weather is getting warmer and days are lasting longer. It’s still almost impossible for me to smile. I did eat pretty well today, considering I ate nothing yesterday. I had a protein bar, 2 Babybel cheeses, and half of a large salad that had chicken and bacon and tomatoes and cucumbers and egg in it. I’m rambling.

I’m okay for right now as I’m pretty zonked out on Ativan. It’s the only thing that’s been holding me together today. That and my hike, which was amazing. I’ve been seriously considering taking up backpacking for a while and now I think I will. I’ve got a long ways to train, though, before I add a backpack to it 😉 All I have are good trail running shoes and some proper attire. I’ll work my way into it.

My thoughts are scattered and I apologize. I do want to post some pictures I took on my hike today. I intend on documenting my progress through this difficult time as a reminder to myself. I am strong. I can do this. I will be okay.

It’s been a blur, really. I’m still in shock from the whole thing. There are moments were I feel completely fine, then 2 seconds later I’m on the floor gasping for air and sobbing as I have another anxiety attack.

But I’ll figure this out. I’ll make sure I know everything before letting things go away. I am strong. I can do this. I will be okay.

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