Day by Day

Day 3 was good.

But also bad.

I woke up and took my car to my parent’s so I could get the brakes fixed. I now have much better working breaks. I cried a bit on my way there.

On the way back with my dad from dropping the car off at the repair shop, I asked if he wouldn’t mind hiding a few of the tokens Calvin gave them that were on display in their home. He tried to argue with me a bit, saying it was an “artificial” way of trying to get over him, but I insisted. I told him I wouldn’t need it for long, but I did need it now and arguing just makes me feel worse about the whole situation. He reluctantly agreed and I cried for the second and last time that day.

I was able to go for a little walk around their neighborhood while my car was being worked on. Only got a little over a mile, but it’s better than nothing. I sat and talked with my parents for a lot longer than I expected, so I didn’t get home until about 2:00.

While at my parent’s, I talked to Calvin’s best friend, Jason. I had asked him the day before how long he had known this was coming and such.

He told me he was just as shocked as I was.

2 weeks ago, he and Calvin had been discussing how things were really going well. Calvin didn’t specifically mention our relationship too often, but enough to say that he was hopeful and things were well. He doesn’t understand what happened as he had seen we went to the saxophone conference together and thought everything was good. Calvin just told him that we broke up suddenly without giving any details. He also believes that Calvin having another girl would violate all his understanding of him.

Calvin shared a recording with him and according to Jason, this means he’s really sad or experiencing a hard time. All he wants for me to do is talk to him.

I expressed my gratitude to him and told him that I intend to. To be honest, this has only made me hopeful and that’s a dangerous thing.

My coworker thinks that he panicked. Seeing that things were finally moving to the final stages of us living together and we had some problems that definitely needed fixing, he wanted out.

I’m beginning to think that as well, but again, this gives me hope. Hope right now is dangerous.

If I know one thing, it’s that Calvin is extremely rational. His emotional maturity though sometimes gets in the way. He’s almost there, but being there doesn’t let things like this happen. Emotionally mature people don’t hide stuff and then break up with a long-time significant other out of nowhere.

He is the “strong and silent” type. I’m the “open and transparent” type. You can see how we’d have some fundamental differences. That doesn’t mean it can’t work.

As the day wore on, I felt a cold coming on. Sure enough, work yesterday was tough mostly because I’m sick. I read somewhere that the emotional stress from a break up can cause your immune system to freak out. Not sure how accurate that is, but I believe it.

Even so, yesterday was good emotionally. I think talking to Jason really helped. I’m also thinking of talking to his mom, mostly to inform his parents that I do still intend on paying them back the full amount from the Hong Kong trip (I still owe them about $1,000.) I felt that I could go either direction. If Calvin really wants to be done with us and move on, I could do that. If he wants to get back together, I could do that.

My coworker told me that no matter my decision if he wants to get back together, it will be a good decision. My heart is mine to make decisions with and all that really matters is my safety and happiness. If I think something like this won’t happen again, then it will be okay. She has good experience in this department as she has been engaged to the same guy twice. The first time, he wasn’t ready and treated her poorly. Now, he’s ready and she knows it. He’s grown. She’s one of the best and strongest people I know.

Most of the time, I don’t believe in “the one”. I think that we are compatible with so many people in this world and destiny is something that is only real in fiction. What matters is choosing the person you want to be with. If you choose “your one”, fight for it. Make it work. Do whatever it takes. I’m still willing to do this. If that makes me foolish, so be it.

I know that I will be okay either way.

I have this little canvas-art thing on my wall that says “choose happiness”. Until now, I have really hated that quote. I had it on my wall to remind me that sometimes things just won’t feel okay and that’s okay. On the surface, I still don’t really like that quote if you look at it superficially. From another angle, I think I finally like it now. Sometimes things won’t be okay and happiness isn’t always a choice, but it can be there. We might not “choose” it, but we will come to it eventually if we make good choices for ourselves.

My therapist and a regular at the restaurant I work at remind me to take everything one day at a time. Yesterday, I was good. Today, I woke up sad, hurt, and in pain in more ways than one. The more I think about things, the more I realize that I am okay. I will be okay. All I want is to be okay. Sure, it sucks, but it’s okay that it sucks. I really am a much stronger person than I ever knew I was.

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