Angry at the Universe

That was the hardest thing. Ever.

Talked with so many people today.

I started off hopeful. Hopeful that he had just panicked. Hopeful that we might get back together. Hopeful that things weren’t over.

And I talked to my sister. She always knows how to bring me back down to earth.

We both have someone out there better suited for us. At least for now.

I made lists. What are my wants and needs in a relationship. How does Calvin fit into that. What am I gaining, what am I giving up?

I came to my conclusion before talking to him. Good thing I came to that conclusion too or it would have been a much more difficult conversation.

I still don’t think what happened was any easier.

I’m still mad at the way he did it. I know why, but I’m still mad. I’m still sad at all the things we’re giving up on. I know why, but I’m still sad.

We talked for over 2 hours. Right before we hung up, we said “I love you”.

That’s the hardest part. Two people in love, but it just isn’t enough to make it work.

I never thought anything could be this hard. I had our whole lives pictured together. So did he. In the end, we need different things.

This sucks. So. Hard.

But now, I have closure. Now, we’re friends. It’s still hard imagining a love-life that is without him. It’ll be hard for a long time.

I’m so proud of him for being strong enough to do this. God knows I wasn’t. I had been denying it to myself for a while now. Well, my therapist knew my thoughts, but she also knew I would never act upon them.

You’re told if you love someone enough, any amount of work doesn’t matter. All that matters is that person.

Calvin said that two halves make a whole. When you find the person, 50% is compromise and sacrifice. For us to be together, we would have to sacrifice 70%. And that’s just not fair.

I want to be mad at the universe. I want to be mad at myself. I want to regret this and be angry and petty and spiteful. But I can’t. Because he’s right. And I love him all the more for it.

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