A Big Change

About 6 months before Calvin and I started dating, I got incredibly sick. It was probably the sickest I’ve ever been since I was in grade school. It started right after my last final of the spring semester back in 2013, which was incredibly convenient. It wasn’t so convenient seeing as I had just started a new job, but I was able to make it work.

It was a cold turned sinus infection. My first ever. It was awful. It went into my ears and gave me ear infections and made me bedridden for about a solid week. One perk was that I lost a lot of weight during that time without trying. Of course, I’ve gained it all back plus some.

I remember that I had also had a little *accident* that made me give up and go to my parents. I didn’t want to/didn’t have the strength to take care of myself during this illness and they offered to help.

Before I left for Muscatine, I had to stop by Calvin’s place. I don’t remember what for exactly, just that he had something of mine that I needed or vice versa and I didn’t think I would see him before he left for Hong Kong.

This was Calvin about a month after he had been dumped by his previous girlfriend, Alisha. I remember he tried to hug me through the car window and I insisted he back away. I remember thinking, ‘The next time I see you, I’ll be okay and so will you. I will make this happen.’

It’s truly fitting to only have the same illness right after Calvin dumps me.

Since Saturday, I’ve had a fever. My congestion has only gotten worse over the past few days with some drainage into my ears. More than likely, this will turn into a sinus infection. I’ve been missing lots of school and work. Not something I like at all.

I have no energy to go to the store. I’m weak when I walk. I don’t feel this as an energy deficit due to mental strain. I know this illness came from that, though.

After that illness in 2013, I felt a big change coming. I was moving in with roommates who were much different than my previous ones. I had changed majors and found my calling in life. I had plans to get a cat. I was going to be with the guy I had planned to spend my life with.

All that happened.

And all that went in way different directions than I had planned.

I don’t talk to either of those two old roommates anymore. In fact, I pretty much hate the one I was most excited to move in with. She was toxic and compassionless in my struggle with depression and anxiety. I’m finishing that same degree much later than anticipated and have found a population that I extremely enjoy working with – but it’s not what I thought it would be. In fact, it’s the opposite population than I thought. I did not adopt the older black cat from the shelter but adopted a small, white kitten from a farm where he was about to go to the shelter. I was with the guy I had planned to spend my life with and realized that he wasn’t the guy I should be spending my life with in a romantic partnership.

I feel another great change coming.

I’ve lost some weight. Not as drastic as the time before, but some. If my condition doesn’t improve by tomorrow, I plan to go back to my parent’s place.

Am I sad at the way things turned out?

I’m not sure.

I love my cat. I love living alone. I love my friends. I love my future career. I love my current job. I’ve cut a lot of toxic relationships. Who knew that was the key to happiness?

Mostly, it’s finding those toxic relationships and being able to identify them as toxic. It’s being able to see what is hurting you more than it’s helping and being able to change that.

I’m done letting fear dictate my life.

I’m going to look far and wide for my internship. See another part of America that I never thought I would be. Find a place that I can take this little white chunk of fur and my guitar and create music to help people. I might stay where I am, but I want to go some where. I’ve lived in the Midwest my entire life. It’s time to go out of my comfort zone.

I’ll probably come back to it. It’s only 6 months, after all.

I want to do and be so much. And it’s time to stop letting my anxiety prevent that.

I have a tendency to not listen to my high school band director who was also one of my greatest mentors and friends. He was the one to tell me I should look into music therapy. He was the one who hesitated when I told him Calvin was “the one”. He was the one who constantly told me that almost nothing in life goes as you originally planned it.

I have never really believed him until now.

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