Terrors and Comforts

As the weight of everything I’ve gone through in the last week settles in, I’m beginning to realize how screwed I really am.

I haven’t known much of any of my plans after completing course work this May.

In fact, I really don’t have any plans.

As of right now, I know I only have until July in my current apartment.

I don’t know where I’ll be going after that.

This isn’t a feeling I like at all.

I was sort of planning on moving in with Calvin until my internship started. It also gave me the flexibility of not having to worry about my cat when I go off to internship. He would just stay with Calvin.

I mean, this whole moving in thing also depended on where I was doing my internship and when. My biggest concern is where my kitty and I will be. With Calvin, I didn’t have to worry about that. I was planning on asking Calvin if he would just watch him – I would continue to pay for his food, liter, etc..

Now…

I literally have no idea.

And that terrifies me.

My thoughts are quite scattered at the moment. I’ve been studying Anatomy for the last 5 hours with very few breaks and I’m still incredibly sick. I also haven’t taken any medicine in about 9 hours.

I’m not being very smart right now.

This breaking up thing is really making me realize that I have got to get my shit together and fast.

It’s also making me incredibly sad for all the things that I’ve lost. Mostly, I’m sad for my future and the comforts it would have brought. Being able to wake up to him every day. Knowing that we wanted to have kids and damn our kids would have been gorgeous. Knowing his family, friends, hopes, dreams, him.

Then I realize I have to start all over and the panic sets in.

I can’t think of a single person now that I’m either remotely interested that is available. They are either taken or not even close to what I’m looking for.

I’ve been trying to focus on the things I was giving up by being with Calvin. My current terror makes them seem so incredibly nebulous and insignificant. I’m beginning to question if I was just looking for things to be upset about.

Not that it really matters anymore. I don’t think there’s any going back now. At least not for a very, very long time.

I need to remember the 70%. That 70% we were both having to sacrifice to make it work. Is 20% really that big of a deal? I’m sure once I find someone else that it’s meant to work with, it will seem like that big of a deal.

My biggest wish is that we both find someone at relatively the same time. It would suck so hard for me at least if he found someone first and was plastering it all over the internet. I did tell him to be kind to me in that respect and I intend to do the same. I really liked the way we did it. We weren’t really open about our relationship to the internet until we had already been together for 6+ months. People knew, of course, but it wasn’t “public knowledge”. Even then, we never really explicitly had it on Facebook. I’m still very, very grateful for that. I’m enjoying the privacy and getting to let people know as I talk to them. I’m sure by now everyone in the saxophone studio knows though.

My writing is shit right now and so is my brain, so apologies if you’re reading this. I just needed to give my brain a break – say some of the things that I’ve been thinking recently.

The stupidest little things remind me of him. A Quality Inn – where we had our first hotel stay in Indiana for his Master’s audition, my boss Alan mentioning his parents who lived in Hong Kong for 10 years, and my keys which currently still hold one of the keys to his Prius.

That is one good thing I keep reminding myself. I put myself in his life so deeply. I did so much for him. Hell, the dude wouldn’t know how to drive if it wasn’t for me. Whatever girl he meets in his future will learn of me just like whatever person I meet will know of him.

It brings me a petty comfort to know that.

One of the bigs things I’ve learned in this relationship is that I’m superficially incredibly petty. I wish I gave a damn.

Who ever we meet in the future has great shadows to overcome and shoes to fill. It’s both terrifying and comforting to know that.

 

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