Clean Break

I got an unexpected message yesterday morning from Calvin.

I had just woken up and sure enough, I get texts from him and a couple of other people.

He wanted to know how it was going. We caught up briefly. He told me some stuff that he thought might interest me. When he asked about my summer plans, I didn’t hold back on the whole “I’m screwed right now” thing.

My main professor is really pushing me towards this Opportunities for Positive Growth internship in Indiana. She wants me to go there really bad. And she wants me to apply now as well as get started on my internship ASAP.

I’m not protesting a whole lot as I don’t have a whole load of other options. In fact, my options are incredibly limited.

Instead of waiting to get that *perfect* internship, I need to just get it over with. It’s not bad though as I’m actually really excited about this potential internship.

On the topic of Calvin, I’m confused.

I remember all the reasons why we split. I think I can find someone out there that is “better” for me. I’m not crying every day. In fact, I haven’t cried over him in a couple of days. And even then I’m not crying much nor for long. I’m questioning why that is.

Am I not sad because I know that it wasn’t going to work and I can find someone else? Or am I not sad because I don’t think it’s completely over yet and I’m still clinging onto some sort of hope? Or both?

Probably both.

The texting is only further confusing me. It feels like it did in the beginning. His messages are short and mine are long. I’m still telling him everything and he’s telling me a good deal. I just don’t get it.

It’s obvious he still cares about me, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that right now. We did split only a week ago. I just don’t know.

All of my past break ups, I’ve had a no-talking policy. No phone calls, no texts, no messages, no emails, nothing. I need to have that clean break to really know that it’s done and to adjust to what life is like without that person in my life everyday. Otherwise, it’s too easy to text them about the mundane.

Do I still love Calvin?

I know in some way I do.

Do I love him enough romantically?

I know in some way I do.

I know in some way I don’t.

Not after this.

I find myself thinking about him randomly, but not any more than I did before we broke up. This is all so frustrating.

Can I do a clean break with this guy?