The Mess

I’m still just reeling in confusion over everything that’s happened in the last week and a half.

How could he lead me on for so long? Even if he knew that he was going to break up with me in the near future, how could he act like everything was completely fine? How could he?

Hurt doesn’t begin to explain the emotions I feel. Betrayal. Anguish. Anger. Confusion.

The only thing that really makes sense is the idea that there’s another girl.

I’ve told him time and time again, if there is someone else to just tell me. I don’t have to know who it is. I’ll probably be curious and ask, but it ultimately his business.

But I do feel that if there is someone else, I have a right to know. It would give me closure. It would let me know that it wasn’t me entirely. To break up with me out of the blue with half-assed reasons leaves me completely in the dark.

I wish we could have had a discussion about it. Not just “here are my thoughts and that’s the end of it”. I’ve had my doubts about him. We’ve talked about it. It was a conversation, not a scripted dialogue. I’ve given him the chance to change – to grow. I’m sad that I wasn’t given that same chance.

I can go on about how unfair this entire thing is. I can continue to rant about how I’m devastated still that the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with just left me out of no where.

But I don’t want to.

I went to studio today. I know our friend, Dennis, is concerned to some degree. It looked as though he was trying to mouth “how are you doing?” to me before class started, but I’m not sure. I’ve asked him if we can talk. I know he was one of the first people Calvin talked to. Maybe he can shed some more light on the situation.

I have a good feeling though that it’s going to only further cloud my understanding (what little understanding I currently have.) It’s only going to continue to frustrate me because it’s going to be the same answers I heard from Calvin.

He just wasn’t into it anymore.

And instead of trying to work on it, he decided he didn’t want to.

I’m angry at him for that choice, but it was his choice to make. Not mine. The sooner I can accept that, the sooner I can move on.

The guy who bought me a drink Friday was at work yesterday. We’ve nicknamed him “Ed Sheeran guy” because he looks a lot like Ed Sheeran. I was still awkward. He was a bit too, but not as bad as me.

I promised Caitlyn that I would talk to him next time and actually learn his name.

I don’t think I’m ready to start anything just yet, but it can’t hurt to try.

As of right now, I have a pretty vindictive birthday gift planned for Calvin.

For Valentine’s Day, he gave me a cup that says “You’re My Lobster” with a plush lobster wearing a shirt with the same phrase. I’ve talked about it before I believe. I plan on sending that back to him as well as the last few origami flowers he made for me the night before he broke up with me. It’s incredibly petty, I know. The more I think about those last few gifts, though, the angrier I get.

Why would I want to hold on to something that’s supposed to be more of a “forever” gift of an ex-boyfriend? It would be a constant reminder of how to him, that Valentine’s Day was where our relationship really took a turn for the worse and how little I knew at the time.

I’m angry still. He has no responsibility. No regrets. Nothing.

And I have all this baggage and nowhere to put it.

I’m in the process of reorganizing my life. This week is all about classwork and internship. I’ve been going through my closet as well and weeding through the stuff there to get rid of what I don’t use. I need to get rid of stuff so it’s easier for me to move when the time comes.

Calvin still has a lot of boxes that I paid for. Good boxes too for moving.

Why did he have to go and make a big mess of things and make this so difficult?

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