Bad Wake Up

Some days wake up good and end badly.

That was yesterday.

Some days wake up bad and end questionably.

That would be today.

My talk with Dennis didn’t happen. I bailed. I didn’t want to talk about it. It would just make me angry and make him uncomfortable so I bailed.

That’s all I am currently. Angry and sad.

I’m tired of being angry and sad.

I’m more like my parents than I actually think.

When my mom died, my dad was just angry and sad. Of course, it was exponentially more than what I am feeling currently. I just remember how exhausted he was by it. I don’t like expending my energy this way.

One of my coworkers also works at a local boxing club and has offered to take me. I’m going to accept. Another one of my coworkers is taking me to yoga with her. I’m finding work is becoming a safe haven for me. Since I’m there so much and the people are so supportive of me, it makes sense. I’m so very glad that I started working there.

Alex is being kind as well, as she usually is.

Last night was the first time I’ve been seriously suicidal. But instead of going home, I reached out. Granted, I didn’t reach out to the right person at the time, but I got myself out. By the time I got back home, I was so tired I cried myself to sleep. It was easy.

I’m getting more and more anxious about playing the saxophone. Just when I was starting to get my confidence back, I get the rug pulled out from under me.

One of my coworkers gave a good insight. She had gone through a very similar situation. Boyfriend of about 4 years, families knew each other well, everyone thought they were on the path for marriage. He was stressed and unhappy with everything in his life at the time – school, family, friends, and her – but he only had control over one of those things. He only had control over his relationship. Taking matters into his own hands, he broke up with her out of the blue. It was in his opinion the one thing he could control to make himself happy.

And it did make him happy at first. But then he realized that he wasn’t that happy still. She was all for getting back together with him, but right as he wanted to get back together with her, she met her current boyfriend. She chose to not get back together with him. If this was his reflexive reaction when the going got tough, what was she supposed to do?

My therapist continues to tell me that I need to find a better communicator as well as someone with a higher emotional IQ. Many of the people close to me that knew my relationship with Calvin more intimately remind me how one-sided the majority of the relationship was.

I have to remind myself that this was the guy who publicly admitted to not liking to read in front of two of my most intelligent friends. This was the guy who invited another girl jokingly to our anniversary trip to Chicago. This was the guy who took and took and took from me but hardly ever gave me anything in return emotionally.

I just want to sleep and escape this.

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