Triggering Days

I have this awful pit in my stomach today.

My anxiety is sky high.

I’m going to have to be very careful these next few weeks.

I’m not ready for that.

Yesterday, my main professor noted how I seemed so much better. How I was doing so well. I thought it was funny seeing as I had woken up crying and feeling entirely miserable.

Either I’ve gotten way too good at acting like everything’s okay when I’m really falling apart or I’m actually doing better than I think I am.

Probably a combination of the two, but it’s hard for me to move past the pain and acknowledge that.

My anxiety is getting higher because Calvin’s birthday is coming up. Today is already a triggering day for me as I remember the night before he broke up with me, he asked me if it was okay for him to go to his ex-girlfriend’s recital in Cincinnati. The recital was on April Fools. He was going to take a few friends from IU that were also friends of hers. It was fine and I hoped it was a good recital.

Clara never really bothered me.

But now, I don’t know why he asked when he was just going to break up with me the next day.

Now, it’s only going to get broadcasted further.

What if that’s okay?

And now, that super anxious feeling is gone.

It is okay. It is okay for him to tell the world. The world should know. The world would be happy to know.

His birthday will still be an issue. I’ll need to make a plan to make it not so triggering. I know that many of my friends and coworkers are making plans with me leading up to it. I don’t think they realize how helpful they’re being.

I’ll need to make sure I’m not getting stoned all the time. That will be difficult. I’ll need to fill up my time healthily. I should decrease the number of days I smoke too. I feel as though it’s beginning to become an issue. And if I feel as though it is, it probably is.

I’ve been procrastinating for far too long on far too many things and making excuses in my head for it. My “momentum” is decreasing as my professor would say.

Now, today will be a triggering day. I know this. I know I have to practice saxophone at some point. I know that’s going to be difficult. I know I will do it though as to not face embarrassment at a rehearsal later. I will go to a concert, I will be triggered, but then I’ll go hang out with a few friends (maybe.) If not, I’ll go home to a loving kitty and Netflix. I’ll just need to remember to take my Ativan today. That will keep me from having a complete meltdown.

Today will be hard. Today will be triggering.

But I know I’ll get through it.

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