I hate you and miss you at the same time.
I had a dream this morning. It was sometime in the future I suppose. We were talking of how every girl you dated since me, you’d find something wrong with them. You would always come back to me. And I said that I would always love you.
I woke up sad, angry, disgusted, frustrated, and everything else under the sun on this cloudy and rainy day. I’ve been trying to distract myself since I woke up with very little success. The dream keeps replaying in my head.
You still don’t know my address even though I’ve been living here for the last 2 years. My phone was in my car during my class when you texted me. I wouldn’t have responded until after class anyway. You forgot my apartment number. I’ll have to go to the post office soon to get it as they won’t drop it off without an apartment number. You still say “crab” instead of “crap”.
I wake up feeling like I do when I’m going through a depressive episode. It takes every ounce of my being to get up in the morning. Of course, I have so much to do that I can’t be staying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself.
My friend Eric reminds me how independent I am. He says that it will get easier. He’s in the same boat as I am, having been dumped over spring break by the girl he thought he was going to marry.
I miss talking to you most of all. I miss hearing your voice, your laugh, your smile. I miss how goofy we could be together. I miss how much fun we would have.
You said that you felt a sense of relief. I wonder if you miss me like I miss you. It sucks being on this end of things. On one hand, I’m so mad at you the thought of talking to you makes me shake. On the other hand, I don’t care because part of me still loves you. That part makes me angry with myself.
Some people remind me that I am the owner of my happiness. In this situation, I can see how that is true. I can choose if I want to talk to you. I can choose to distance myself from you. I can choose to move on. I can choose to drag this out in my head as long as I want to. I can do a lot of things to make myself happy and a lot of things to make me unhappy.
I can’t change your mind and I’m not sure I want to. But I do want you to know how much damage you’ve caused. You realize the next man to tell me he wants to marry me I’m going to run for the hills, right? Hell, the next person to tell me they want to be with me I’m going to question them intensely. The number of anxiety attacks I’ve had over the last few weeks. The number of lies I have told people so they’ll stop questioning my sanity. How many times have I contemplated self harm and even suicide over the last 3 weeks? The man I wanted for the rest of my life doesn’t want me anymore. You tell me how that feels. Especially someone who was so sure only 5 months ago – how does that go away so fast?
I lost my best friend. I lost the person I’d talk to all the time. I lost so much by a one-sided conversation that shouldn’t have happened like it did.
I need to stop thinking about this and distract myself with other things. I have to be ready for work in an hour and I have homework I need to do before then.
I’m tired of this and I hope you are too. I hope you’re feeling at least a fraction of the pain I feel. I hope you’re feeling something. I hope you’re letting yourself feel something. I hope I’m not going through this alone.