What Should Have Been

I know where I was supposed to be.

I was supposed to be there with you right now.

Tomorrow is your birthday.

I guess it’s convenient that I got my period.

I feel like such a piece of shit right now. I was a dumb ass at work last night. I won’t let that happen again. Never. Again.

I have a presentation I’m giving later today. That’s great. I’m not prepared for it yet.

I’m on the brink of a mental breakdown. I just need to get past tomorrow and I’ll be fine. I’ll be good. Just get through tomorrow.

I should write my session plan today because fuck if I’m going to be sober tomorrow.

I’m really feeling the whole self-loathing thing right now. I am a horrible piece of shit.

Some people have been telling me to buy myself a present with the money I would have spent on yours. I guess I sort of have been with how much I’ve been eating out this week.

I can’t erase the event of your birthday from my phone. It’s as if my mind won’t let you go, but I want to. Oh, I so want to.

I would have told you I loved you a thousand times by now. I still do.

Dennis says that it’s just like two of our friends Alexis and Jacky. It makes me angry that he said that though. We weren’t them. Our break up my have been somewhat similar, but we weren’t them.

I’m just so sad. I can’t function without Ativan in my system. I lost you and I didn’t even have to try. I should have been the one to leave with how shittily you treated me.

It should have been us. We could have done it.

I should have driven over Thursday night after my senior project class. I would have arrived by dinner time. We could have gone to one of our usual Bloomington favorites: Mother Bear’s, Upland, Esan, some place. Then, we would have gone back to your place, had some fun, then fall asleep in each other’s arms.

I would have told you I loved you a thousand times.

We would have woken the next morning. I may have done some homework. You may have had class. We could have hung out, watched movies, done so many things. I would have gotten my period still, but I wouldn’t let that deter me from giving you the best weekend ever.

I would have had some awesome gift for you. I would have done so much. I still want to do so much. But now, I want to do so much with a different flavor.

I want to break things you gave me. I want to destroy what ever reminds me of the life we almost had together. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

What sucks is knowing that you don’t feel the same way. You don’t hate me. You don’t feel anything for me. You don’t wake up feeling sad and crying every morning. You don’t have to take drugs just to make it through the day without breaking down. You aren’t hurting like I am.

Some people say it’s not over for us. Those are people who know the both of us. More people say that I can and will do better than you.

I’m reminded by some other people’s stories. I was told one last night of a friend of mine’s older sister. She moved in with this guy and then he treated her like shit. He ended up breaking up with her and she was devastated. She’s now engaged to a man that everyone likes more.

One friend of mine’s parents’ have an odd story. He broke up with her because he believed he wanted to be single for a while. 6 months later, he realized how stupid that was because he had been with the woman he wanted to be with and let her go. She took him back. They are happily married with 4 beautiful girls.

My sister made a choice a little over 2 years ago. She was engaged to a man that she thought was right for her, but she was in your shoes. She saw the issues and made a choice she was able to make – she didn’t want to work on the relationship. I have to remind myself that you made that same choice and it was a choice you were and are entitled to make. She’s now much happier with a man we all like so much more.

It could have gone either way. I keep telling people that I think it was for the best too because I want it to be that way. I want to make the best of this situation.

Eric and I keep talking to each other about this. He’s in a much better position to get back with his ex than I am I believe. Sarah (his ex) is studying abroad currently and she’s been acting weird according to her entire friends and family. While I think it’s shitty how badly she’s treated him, I don’t think their getting back together would really shock anyone. He fought her until the end. I shut down.

I’m going to do the budget now because I can’t think of much else to say on this.

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