My Last Night

It’s my last night in this apartment.

I always get so sentimental at these parts.

I came into this place with a stable relationship, a budding future, and a lot of baggage.

I am now shedding myself of much of my material belongings and moving myself to California, single and happy.

I have 12 more days in Iowa City. 12.

This is so strange.

Lisa was wondering when my “Oh shit, I’m leaving” phase would kick in. It’s now.

I have lived in Iowa City for most of my life. My mother’s eternal resting place is here in this city. I feel it is so random, but it now has me forever tied to it. A lot happened here. I go places and I see memories. What kind of memories am I about to make? Will any of it be familiar? Am I walking into something so beautifully invisible that I’m paralyzed with fear?

In my future, I see myself with my car packed and ready to go. I see myself driving the hardest drive I have ever done. But once I get to California, what do I see?

I see the facility, the people I will be working with, I see a few familiar faces, but nothing else. The rest is dark. I see Thanksgiving with the family who hosted me for my short visit. I see Christmas at home, internship completed and first post-grad job ready. It’s all hypothetical of course. Will I be seeing anybody? Will I hear from Calvin again? Where am I going to work besides the facility? Will it be a good place? How will I work out at the facility? How will my internship go? Will I cry a lot when I’m there? Will I long for hot, humid days of the same old things? Will I embrace everything that California has to offer me? Will I offer myself to it?

I’m determined to experience California. I have to always remind myself that misery doesn’t last forever. Good things don’t either. Balance is key.

My last night, folks.

Simultaneous All-and-Nothing (Also, a GoFundMe link)

A coworker gave me the idea of starting a GoFundMe.

I’m sorry, I have no beautiful or eloquent way of stating this.

But I did it.

Even if you don’t donate – thoughts, prayers, anything is appreciated.
It’s been a crazy past 2 months.
My entire life changed. My entire future changed.
I learned what kind of control I had in my life. It is a simultaneous all-and-nothing.
I have enough control to make choices. I can choose where I want to go and what I want to do. I have no control over how those choices go. I can make informed choices. But everything will happen, it will be an experience, and I have to make do with what I have or create something bigger and better.
I think I can do that.

Hurting Too Much

The date was awkward.

Pretty painfully awkward.

I’ve been in a lot of pain since.

But not because of it specifically.

Finals suck.

Worrying if you passed a class or not sucks.

I’ve never been this terrified about this in my life.

I also haven’t heard back from the facility as to if I get their housing or not.

It’s Thursday.

I’ll be calling them sometime today.

I’m supposed to get lunch with a friend then see a movie. Then I should go donate plasma. Then, tonight, I have a recital to go to.

It’s Dennis’s recital.

I really don’t want to go. That sounds horrible of me. I want to go to support him and to be a good friend to him and listen to the wonderful musician he is.

It’ll just be hard.

The last time he performed in studio, it was like getting punched in the gut repeatedly. So many little things he did reminded me of Calvin and how he performs.

I’m actually seriously debating not going to anything today.

My digestive system isn’t happy. I’m not happy. I just finished with my finals and I have so much shit I have to do.

I might ask my friend if we can forgo the movie. It’s only $5, but we’re not even going to go see Captain America, so I don’t really want to spend the money. Nor the time. As much as I love this friend and would love to spend time with her, lunch will be good. At a movie, you don’t even talk. I’d rather talk and actually hang out with her.

Ugh.

I’m just so anxious and I don’t want to be.

There’s so much work to be done. I need to clean my apartment to get it show ready for tomorrow. A friend’s boyfriend is really interested in subleasing my place which is awesome. While it wouldn’t cover all the expenses, it would at least help a major chunk. Then, I need to see if he’s interested in buying my furniture. If not, I need to start posting on places to sell it. I have so much to sell. The rest will be donated.

Then, I need to clean. And deep clean. And clean again.

I should start collecting boxes from work. Start packing what I can.

I also need to do laundry.

And the list goes on and on…

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m about to embark on an incredible adventure. It’s going to suck for the next few weeks as I plan out the logistics, but it will work out. While there is a lot to do, worrying about it all isn’t going to change the outcome. That’s the hardest part for me to accept.

And I can’t help wanting to talk to Ben in California. He’s the only person I know out there at a comfortable level and I hardly know him any more. I’m excited by that, but also saddened. At the same time, would I be as interested if I was with Calvin? I mean, it’s not like he’s been absent from my life completely. I’ve kept the old him here in various ways. A password about our 2 favorite cats on his farm is one I use frequently – and it’s a newer password. Less than a year old. I always analyze the songs I’m currently listening to and guess what the old him would think of it. The old him wouldn’t like a lot of it because of the singers. I wonder what books he reads. Has he finished that TV show he and his brother watched together? Every time I watch it I think of him even if only for a second.

I’ve never really let him go. I never will. Your first love stays with you. I’m not sure if I meant the same way to him, but I know what he means to me. He will always be that guy. Many of my friends ask me if I want to rekindle that flame. As I believe I have stated in previous posts, I’m not interested in that right now.

Now, I just need to delete my Tinder. It’s useless. It was fun at first, but I’m not ready for that scene. Especially since most of the people on there that I’m matching with aren’t interested in what I’m interested in. They want relationships, which is weird for a dating app like that. I’m not interested in that. Not now.

The pain is still very fresh with Calvin.

Seeing him on social media is hard enough. I’m still just so angry.

He’s trying to alleviate his guilt by being nice to me and by trying to place the blame anywhere but himself. He hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions nor has he apologized. He tells me how I broke his trust in snooping on him that one time – does he realize how I won’t be able to trust another man when he tells me they want to marry me?

I’m hurting too much right now. I need to go.

Scared

I just read the worst fucking conversation of my life.

Totally being melodramatic, but still. It’s bad.

I got a Tinder.

Whoop, there it is.

And today, I started talking to Peter.

Peter is studying physics at the same university I am at. He’s cute. He’s smart. He’s forward. He’s quirky. He’s nerdy.

Oh my god, how I’ve missed the nerdy boyfriends.

Calvin was way too cool for school in that respect.

And he was vocal about that too.

But now, why it sucked.

It sucked because I sucked.

And I sucked because I only fucking talked about myself. I didn’t ask him any questions, wanting to save those for our date on Thursday.

I was selfish. I was so fucking selfish.

And he was really fucking forward.

Not something I’m used to in a guy.

I’m used to I make the first move. I do the work. Then I wait for the day for him to ask me out. And I’m forward.

I’m used to guys beating around the bush and not saying what they think.

I’m just caught in a whirlwind right now.

I went to California this last week. I accepted the internship. I visited with my first ever boyfriend from when I was in high school. He’s single now too.

It was so strange. I was meeting up with someone I’ve known most of my life yet someone who was a completely different person. I was so scared he wouldn’t like me anymore because I’m so different too. I’m so different from the person I was seven years ago. It doesn’t feel like seven years ago.

I want to get to know this new Ben. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but I’m not closing any opportunities. I have a strict policy on saying yes to things that will change me for the good. Relationships in any form teach you something about someone and something about yourself. The more you get to know them, the better you know yourself.

And that’s what I focus on.

I’m realizing how incredibly selfish I am in my thinking. The relationships that really last for me are ones that I’m more concerned for the other person and proud of them. The ones that don’t are the ones I’m selfish in. I get bored.

And that makes me really sad.

I think I get so attracted to the attention and fall in love with that more than the person. That’s why I feel weird about all of this.

Just to walk up to someone and flirt just because it makes you feel good. I don’t know. I’m confusing myself.

I’m scared. I’m scared to go on this date. I’m scared that I’m going to like him. I’m scared that I’m going to like him a lot. And then I’m going to be the girl who moves on so quickly. I still can’t look at pictures of him without wanting to cry. I’m also super emotional because I’m on my period. And I’m so, so scared that I’m not going to be ready to give this person what they deserve out of another human being which is decency and respect and I’m going to be a sack of shit and be selfish. I won’t be able to tell him how I feel because I don’t like that I feel that way.

But I don’t know.

I’m just scared that he’ll become another Sean.

And I can’t stand myself for what I did to that guy.

And I’m scared to move all the way out to California.

Unknown Alone

Most of the time, I’m completely fine. No problems, feeling good, living life as I should.

Then, it hits me like a fucking baseball bat.

I did cry today.

Mostly out of anger.

I felt more pain today on his behalf than I have in a long time, though. I’m not sure why.

Maybe I do know why.

I joined Tinder.

….

I know.

It’s strange, but… nice. I’ve been chatting it up with a few cuties. One in particular has my attention. Even if nothing becomes of all of this, it’s still fun. The superficiality and frivolity of it keep it interesting in the least. But talking and thinking of these dudes in a more serious context of sleeping with them makes me nervous. Honestly, the idea of sleeping with anyone freaks me out.

Maybe I should just wait to move to California to pursue options.

But I’m also sexually frustrated.

This is not a good cycle to be in.

I don’t know how to do this whole college dating scene. I’ve never known. I’m not the kind of girl who typically looks for hook-ups. I don’t even know how to openly pursue one. It seems so strange as well as I’m not confident enough in myself.

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow for a full exam. Another doctor to talk about my life. I’m going to California on Tuesday and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I should have one of those “Flying for Dummies” books. It would probably be of significant help.

Things are really starting to move forward here and I’m terrified. I’m terrified of making that leap into the unknown alone. I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it.

It’s going to hurt.

It’s going to be alright.

It’s not the end-all-be-all.

It’s a new start. Everything in my life is a new start.

I just need to take that next step forward.