Unknown Alone

Most of the time, I’m completely fine. No problems, feeling good, living life as I should.

Then, it hits me like a fucking baseball bat.

I did cry today.

Mostly out of anger.

I felt more pain today on his behalf than I have in a long time, though. I’m not sure why.

Maybe I do know why.

I joined Tinder.

….

I know.

It’s strange, but… nice. I’ve been chatting it up with a few cuties. One in particular has my attention. Even if nothing becomes of all of this, it’s still fun. The superficiality and frivolity of it keep it interesting in the least. But talking and thinking of these dudes in a more serious context of sleeping with them makes me nervous. Honestly, the idea of sleeping with anyone freaks me out.

Maybe I should just wait to move to California to pursue options.

But I’m also sexually frustrated.

This is not a good cycle to be in.

I don’t know how to do this whole college dating scene. I’ve never known. I’m not the kind of girl who typically looks for hook-ups. I don’t even know how to openly pursue one. It seems so strange as well as I’m not confident enough in myself.

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow for a full exam. Another doctor to talk about my life. I’m going to California on Tuesday and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I should have one of those “Flying for Dummies” books. It would probably be of significant help.

Things are really starting to move forward here and I’m terrified. I’m terrified of making that leap into the unknown alone. I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it.

It’s going to hurt.

It’s going to be alright.

It’s not the end-all-be-all.

It’s a new start. Everything in my life is a new start.

I just need to take that next step forward.

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