Scared

I just read the worst fucking conversation of my life.

Totally being melodramatic, but still. It’s bad.

I got a Tinder.

Whoop, there it is.

And today, I started talking to Peter.

Peter is studying physics at the same university I am at. He’s cute. He’s smart. He’s forward. He’s quirky. He’s nerdy.

Oh my god, how I’ve missed the nerdy boyfriends.

Calvin was way too cool for school in that respect.

And he was vocal about that too.

But now, why it sucked.

It sucked because I sucked.

And I sucked because I only fucking talked about myself. I didn’t ask him any questions, wanting to save those for our date on Thursday.

I was selfish. I was so fucking selfish.

And he was really fucking forward.

Not something I’m used to in a guy.

I’m used to I make the first move. I do the work. Then I wait for the day for him to ask me out. And I’m forward.

I’m used to guys beating around the bush and not saying what they think.

I’m just caught in a whirlwind right now.

I went to California this last week. I accepted the internship. I visited with my first ever boyfriend from when I was in high school. He’s single now too.

It was so strange. I was meeting up with someone I’ve known most of my life yet someone who was a completely different person. I was so scared he wouldn’t like me anymore because I’m so different too. I’m so different from the person I was seven years ago. It doesn’t feel like seven years ago.

I want to get to know this new Ben. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but I’m not closing any opportunities. I have a strict policy on saying yes to things that will change me for the good. Relationships in any form teach you something about someone and something about yourself. The more you get to know them, the better you know yourself.

And that’s what I focus on.

I’m realizing how incredibly selfish I am in my thinking. The relationships that really last for me are ones that I’m more concerned for the other person and proud of them. The ones that don’t are the ones I’m selfish in. I get bored.

And that makes me really sad.

I think I get so attracted to the attention and fall in love with that more than the person. That’s why I feel weird about all of this.

Just to walk up to someone and flirt just because it makes you feel good. I don’t know. I’m confusing myself.

I’m scared. I’m scared to go on this date. I’m scared that I’m going to like him. I’m scared that I’m going to like him a lot. And then I’m going to be the girl who moves on so quickly. I still can’t look at pictures of him without wanting to cry. I’m also super emotional because I’m on my period. And I’m so, so scared that I’m not going to be ready to give this person what they deserve out of another human being which is decency and respect and I’m going to be a sack of shit and be selfish. I won’t be able to tell him how I feel because I don’t like that I feel that way.

But I don’t know.

I’m just scared that he’ll become another Sean.

And I can’t stand myself for what I did to that guy.

And I’m scared to move all the way out to California.

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