Hurting Too Much

The date was awkward.

Pretty painfully awkward.

I’ve been in a lot of pain since.

But not because of it specifically.

Finals suck.

Worrying if you passed a class or not sucks.

I’ve never been this terrified about this in my life.

I also haven’t heard back from the facility as to if I get their housing or not.

It’s Thursday.

I’ll be calling them sometime today.

I’m supposed to get lunch with a friend then see a movie. Then I should go donate plasma. Then, tonight, I have a recital to go to.

It’s Dennis’s recital.

I really don’t want to go. That sounds horrible of me. I want to go to support him and to be a good friend to him and listen to the wonderful musician he is.

It’ll just be hard.

The last time he performed in studio, it was like getting punched in the gut repeatedly. So many little things he did reminded me of Calvin and how he performs.

I’m actually seriously debating not going to anything today.

My digestive system isn’t happy. I’m not happy. I just finished with my finals and I have so much shit I have to do.

I might ask my friend if we can forgo the movie. It’s only $5, but we’re not even going to go see Captain America, so I don’t really want to spend the money. Nor the time. As much as I love this friend and would love to spend time with her, lunch will be good. At a movie, you don’t even talk. I’d rather talk and actually hang out with her.

Ugh.

I’m just so anxious and I don’t want to be.

There’s so much work to be done. I need to clean my apartment to get it show ready for tomorrow. A friend’s boyfriend is really interested in subleasing my place which is awesome. While it wouldn’t cover all the expenses, it would at least help a major chunk. Then, I need to see if he’s interested in buying my furniture. If not, I need to start posting on places to sell it. I have so much to sell. The rest will be donated.

Then, I need to clean. And deep clean. And clean again.

I should start collecting boxes from work. Start packing what I can.

I also need to do laundry.

And the list goes on and on…

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m about to embark on an incredible adventure. It’s going to suck for the next few weeks as I plan out the logistics, but it will work out. While there is a lot to do, worrying about it all isn’t going to change the outcome. That’s the hardest part for me to accept.

And I can’t help wanting to talk to Ben in California. He’s the only person I know out there at a comfortable level and I hardly know him any more. I’m excited by that, but also saddened. At the same time, would I be as interested if I was with Calvin? I mean, it’s not like he’s been absent from my life completely. I’ve kept the old him here in various ways. A password about our 2 favorite cats on his farm is one I use frequently – and it’s a newer password. Less than a year old. I always analyze the songs I’m currently listening to and guess what the old him would think of it. The old him wouldn’t like a lot of it because of the singers. I wonder what books he reads. Has he finished that TV show he and his brother watched together? Every time I watch it I think of him even if only for a second.

I’ve never really let him go. I never will. Your first love stays with you. I’m not sure if I meant the same way to him, but I know what he means to me. He will always be that guy. Many of my friends ask me if I want to rekindle that flame. As I believe I have stated in previous posts, I’m not interested in that right now.

Now, I just need to delete my Tinder. It’s useless. It was fun at first, but I’m not ready for that scene. Especially since most of the people on there that I’m matching with aren’t interested in what I’m interested in. They want relationships, which is weird for a dating app like that. I’m not interested in that. Not now.

The pain is still very fresh with Calvin.

Seeing him on social media is hard enough. I’m still just so angry.

He’s trying to alleviate his guilt by being nice to me and by trying to place the blame anywhere but himself. He hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions nor has he apologized. He tells me how I broke his trust in snooping on him that one time – does he realize how I won’t be able to trust another man when he tells me they want to marry me?

I’m hurting too much right now. I need to go.

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