Nothing Substantial

Whose words have you been listening to?

What portrayal is more accurate?

Whose portrayal was more accurate?

To whom do those words belong to?

I read an interesting article. Then I read another interesting article. One was of a student of Biola University in California and the other was of a liberal-leaning publisher. At least, the student shared one side and another article I read on the topic showed another side.

Both made me feel something akin to anger. Both made me frustrated.

Both showed one side as discriminating against the other. One side showed SB1146 as a bill that will infringe upon the 1st amendment. Another on how these universities were discriminating against the LGBT community.

Honestly, all of this just makes me hate religion.

I don’t feel that having a moral compass is that difficult. It’s just that every person has an individual compass. I think we can all believe that some acts are wrong and against nature, but even that line is debatable. Killing isn’t a foreign thing. Killing ones’ own species is not that hard to believe. It’s not like other species don’t do it.

What makes us think we’re better than someone else to make that kind of decision? Is it all just a part of this cycle of life or is it something beyond our comprehension? I feel as though I’m grasping at thin threads. Nothing substantial.

Nothing substantial.

On a side note: Calvin messaged me. He was in town this weekend. He let me know. I said okay. There was nothing malicious intended by it, no anger, sadness – just nothing. I shrugged my shoulders. Did I want to see him? No and yes. Would seeing him benefit me? No. Would seeing him cause emotional distress and pain? Yes. So… Not sure what he was going for there. Did he want to see me? Maybe. Was that selfish of him? Yes, but when has that ever stopped him?

Was he upset with my response? He wasn’t satisfied with it at least. Was it maybe more of a “heads-up-in-case-if-you-see-me-randomly” thing? Maybe. I don’t know why he told me, but he did. I don’t care too much why he did either.

This has been all over the place.

Tonight was my going-away shindig.

It was really sad to think that this was the last time I’ll be seeing lots of these people for a long time.

California is going to be amazing and difficult.

A Letter Never Read: To Ben

A letter that will probably never be sent:

Dear Ben,

I don’t think you’ve thought about me as much as I’ve thought about you over the years. Before, I always wondered. I never knew if you thought about me that much. I didn’t think so, but now I know so.

I don’t know if I was really your first real heart break. I like to think I was. Then it would all make sense.

Calvin was my first real heart break. I have only felt more pain on a couple other occasions. It destroyed me for a time. Of course, I’m able to move on and pick up the pieces, but it wasn’t easy. It still isn’t.

I’m not one of those people who can act all buddy-buddy with someone I have conflicting feelings with. I usually move on quickly from anger, but hurt and betrayal are much deeper emotions. I don’t understand how our relationship all those years ago impacted you or if you really even take it seriously now. It’s hard to believe that we started dating almost 9 years ago. We’re still so young now, doesn’t it seem almost silly to be that young and in love? I know I was though and I’ll always remember you as my first love.

It hardly seems fair sometimes. I can say with certainty that I was not fair to you. We were young and irrational and inexperienced and immature. But not a day goes by that I wish I had treated you better. I can say that I feel I became a better person because of our relationship. I’m better able to control my anger and like to think myself as a more rational person. I can still be petty, but I try to keep it in good taste. If in good taste is even a thing. Probably not.

I want to say I’m sorry. I wanted to say that when we went out for breakfast about a month ago, but I didn’t. I was so nervous. I was so incredibly nervous. I took 3mg of Ativan and I was still shaking from anxiety. At least I felt like I was. I was a coward. I wasn’t thinking.

I want to say I’m sorry for how I treated you. I want you to know that I still hope for you and want the best for you. If you’d have me, I would like to be a part of your life again. This seems so incredibly formal and impersonal. But if you’d have me, I’d like to maybe be your friend. I know that can be a big step. Or maybe it’s not a big deal. I don’t know the protocol on this. Can we be friends again? Is that too weird to ask?

I’ve known you for most of my life yet I have no idea who you are anymore. We’ve always seemed to get along so well. I felt that after the first jitters were really gone we were able to have a decent conversation. I’d like to get to know you again. It doesn’t have to be right away and we don’t have to become best friends, but it would be nice.

Who knows? Maybe it’ll be beyond awkward and it won’t work. Maybe that’s how you felt about our last get together. God, I hope not because I didn’t think so and that would be pretty humiliating. Judging from your current responses and such, I think that’s the direction you’re currently leading towards. Is that something I deserve? Possibly. You certainly don’t owe me anything.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. My life took a complete turn around in the span of 3 months. This opportunity I’ve been given in California was beyond a surprise. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. It was short enough after my break-up with long-term ex-boyfriend that I hadn’t had time to set down any deeper roots and long enough that the shock factor had passed. Everything sort of fell into place. My plane tickets were well within my budget, the facility is lovely, I was the first music therapy intern to receive housing from the facility in many years, and it’s a lovely area for a new start. I’ve never done something like this before. Well, that’s not entirely true. But I’ve never thrown myself so completely into something all by myself. I’ve never been this alone. It almost feels empowering. Or maybe that’s fear.

I have only felt the entire universe telling me to go out to California these last few weeks. It’s been an amazing whirlwind. Stressful and amazing.

It would be nice to know you again. I can understand if you’d rather keep that door shut, though. I just feel an invitation is more appropriate.

This is a letter you’ll never read. Many people have told me how I should approach this situation. It just seems too impersonal, though. But it’s more adult-like. It’s more mature. It doesn’t ensure that I can say everything I feel I need to say to you. All the unspoken apologies. It’s not that I don’t want to live with this guilt. I will take that guilt with me to the grave until forgiven. I can understand if you don’t want to forgive me.

It would be nice to know you again. This is a letter you’ll never read.

Love,

Tori