The Letters: Part 2

Now I’ve cried.

Now, it’s time for my letter.

I remember the time you told me about white lies. I didn’t brush my hair before the ballet we went to go see. You knew how much I hated brushing my hair. It hurt so bad. You knew I didn’t brush my hair, but you let me go without brushing it anyway.

We went. I remember we were up on the balcony. I wore a black dress with red flowers on it. My hair… was matted, I’m pretty sure. I must have been 4 or 5. When we got home, I started to cry. I felt guilty. You took me to the bathroom, yours and dad’s, and brushed my hair. It hurt like hell. I cried a lot. You told me that what I had done was a white lie.

I remember dancing. A lot of dancing. In our basement studios. At the dance studios you worked. At church. There was always dancing.

I remember decorating Christmas cookies. Lots of Christmas cookies. Dancing around to Christmas music.

I remember going to get my ears pierced. I’ve told that story many times. You always told us we couldn’t until we were 16 because that’s when you did. One day, I asked you, randomly. You said yes. I was so shocked. I must have been 8 or 9.

I remember my 10th Birthday. My “Golden” Birthday. We made a big deal out of it. I’m sad it was the last one I had with you.

So much has happened since then.

I am an adult.

I sure as hell don’t feel like one.

I know a lot of who I am today is because of you. Your life and your death. It has shaped me.

I want to share memories.

I want to find that damned journal, the last gift you gave me.

I want so much out of life.

Maybe I shouldn’t give up just yet.


The Letters: Part 1

My sister and I received 11 letters to read from friends and family.

Wow. That sounds like a lot more than I originally thought I had. 

Some of them made me laugh. Some annoyed me. Some nearly made me cry.

I didn’t cry, but I should have.

Out of those 11, 6 talked about her faith.

That is pretty controversial to me.

For some, that was all they talked about (hence my annoyance.) Some mentioned it in passing. Some put it beautifully. So beautifully it made me question why I left my faith life behind me.

Calvin is currently slurping ramen down. It’s rather distracting.

Many of the letters said how proud our mother would be of us.

Right after I read that the first time, my sister then proceeded to call me… I think it was a “fucking cunt bagger”. Then she swore at the cat. And we ate chocolate cake pie.

Yup. Real proud.

I have always struggled with that though.

Everyone always says it.

So much so that the phrase has either lost its’ meaning and value or I simply don’t understand it.

The letter from my mom’s best friend almost made me cry. Just her word choice.

“Sunshine”. We were our mother’s “sunshine”.

My mom used to always sing “You Are My Sunshine” to me. Every night. I don’t remember her voice. I don’t remember it being something mind blowing, but it was definitely sweet and pretty.

I’m sure a lot of mothers sing that song though.

That whole “stupidly sentimental” thing happens a lot to me.

The two most heartfelt ones were from two of my uncles.

Two of my favorite uncles to be exact. 

Two of my favorite uncles for a very, very long time.

I was an instinctually good kid.


They were touching. Not necessarily tear-jerking, but… warm. They made me feel peace.

Something I crave for I don’t feel it often.

Well, I do more now.



I loved Jamie’s. She was a student of my mother. So pretty and organized.

I also love my Aunt Kathy. Her husband… one of my mom’s brothers… eh…

But my Aunt Kathy. Bless her. She’s just the kindest.

This side of the family is all about favorites though.

I understand a lot about myself though.

And… I just can’t process things right now.