Simultaneous All-and-Nothing (Also, a GoFundMe link)

A coworker gave me the idea of starting a GoFundMe.

I’m sorry, I have no beautiful or eloquent way of stating this.

But I did it.

Even if you don’t donate – thoughts, prayers, anything is appreciated.
It’s been a crazy past 2 months.
My entire life changed. My entire future changed.
I learned what kind of control I had in my life. It is a simultaneous all-and-nothing.
I have enough control to make choices. I can choose where I want to go and what I want to do. I have no control over how those choices go. I can make informed choices. But everything will happen, it will be an experience, and I have to make do with what I have or create something bigger and better.
I think I can do that.
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Hurting Too Much

The date was awkward.

Pretty painfully awkward.

I’ve been in a lot of pain since.

But not because of it specifically.

Finals suck.

Worrying if you passed a class or not sucks.

I’ve never been this terrified about this in my life.

I also haven’t heard back from the facility as to if I get their housing or not.

It’s Thursday.

I’ll be calling them sometime today.

I’m supposed to get lunch with a friend then see a movie. Then I should go donate plasma. Then, tonight, I have a recital to go to.

It’s Dennis’s recital.

I really don’t want to go. That sounds horrible of me. I want to go to support him and to be a good friend to him and listen to the wonderful musician he is.

It’ll just be hard.

The last time he performed in studio, it was like getting punched in the gut repeatedly. So many little things he did reminded me of Calvin and how he performs.

I’m actually seriously debating not going to anything today.

My digestive system isn’t happy. I’m not happy. I just finished with my finals and I have so much shit I have to do.

I might ask my friend if we can forgo the movie. It’s only $5, but we’re not even going to go see Captain America, so I don’t really want to spend the money. Nor the time. As much as I love this friend and would love to spend time with her, lunch will be good. At a movie, you don’t even talk. I’d rather talk and actually hang out with her.

Ugh.

I’m just so anxious and I don’t want to be.

There’s so much work to be done. I need to clean my apartment to get it show ready for tomorrow. A friend’s boyfriend is really interested in subleasing my place which is awesome. While it wouldn’t cover all the expenses, it would at least help a major chunk. Then, I need to see if he’s interested in buying my furniture. If not, I need to start posting on places to sell it. I have so much to sell. The rest will be donated.

Then, I need to clean. And deep clean. And clean again.

I should start collecting boxes from work. Start packing what I can.

I also need to do laundry.

And the list goes on and on…

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m about to embark on an incredible adventure. It’s going to suck for the next few weeks as I plan out the logistics, but it will work out. While there is a lot to do, worrying about it all isn’t going to change the outcome. That’s the hardest part for me to accept.

And I can’t help wanting to talk to Ben in California. He’s the only person I know out there at a comfortable level and I hardly know him any more. I’m excited by that, but also saddened. At the same time, would I be as interested if I was with Calvin? I mean, it’s not like he’s been absent from my life completely. I’ve kept the old him here in various ways. A password about our 2 favorite cats on his farm is one I use frequently – and it’s a newer password. Less than a year old. I always analyze the songs I’m currently listening to and guess what the old him would think of it. The old him wouldn’t like a lot of it because of the singers. I wonder what books he reads. Has he finished that TV show he and his brother watched together? Every time I watch it I think of him even if only for a second.

I’ve never really let him go. I never will. Your first love stays with you. I’m not sure if I meant the same way to him, but I know what he means to me. He will always be that guy. Many of my friends ask me if I want to rekindle that flame. As I believe I have stated in previous posts, I’m not interested in that right now.

Now, I just need to delete my Tinder. It’s useless. It was fun at first, but I’m not ready for that scene. Especially since most of the people on there that I’m matching with aren’t interested in what I’m interested in. They want relationships, which is weird for a dating app like that. I’m not interested in that. Not now.

The pain is still very fresh with Calvin.

Seeing him on social media is hard enough. I’m still just so angry.

He’s trying to alleviate his guilt by being nice to me and by trying to place the blame anywhere but himself. He hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions nor has he apologized. He tells me how I broke his trust in snooping on him that one time – does he realize how I won’t be able to trust another man when he tells me they want to marry me?

I’m hurting too much right now. I need to go.

Scared

I just read the worst fucking conversation of my life.

Totally being melodramatic, but still. It’s bad.

I got a Tinder.

Whoop, there it is.

And today, I started talking to Peter.

Peter is studying physics at the same university I am at. He’s cute. He’s smart. He’s forward. He’s quirky. He’s nerdy.

Oh my god, how I’ve missed the nerdy boyfriends.

Calvin was way too cool for school in that respect.

And he was vocal about that too.

But now, why it sucked.

It sucked because I sucked.

And I sucked because I only fucking talked about myself. I didn’t ask him any questions, wanting to save those for our date on Thursday.

I was selfish. I was so fucking selfish.

And he was really fucking forward.

Not something I’m used to in a guy.

I’m used to I make the first move. I do the work. Then I wait for the day for him to ask me out. And I’m forward.

I’m used to guys beating around the bush and not saying what they think.

I’m just caught in a whirlwind right now.

I went to California this last week. I accepted the internship. I visited with my first ever boyfriend from when I was in high school. He’s single now too.

It was so strange. I was meeting up with someone I’ve known most of my life yet someone who was a completely different person. I was so scared he wouldn’t like me anymore because I’m so different too. I’m so different from the person I was seven years ago. It doesn’t feel like seven years ago.

I want to get to know this new Ben. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but I’m not closing any opportunities. I have a strict policy on saying yes to things that will change me for the good. Relationships in any form teach you something about someone and something about yourself. The more you get to know them, the better you know yourself.

And that’s what I focus on.

I’m realizing how incredibly selfish I am in my thinking. The relationships that really last for me are ones that I’m more concerned for the other person and proud of them. The ones that don’t are the ones I’m selfish in. I get bored.

And that makes me really sad.

I think I get so attracted to the attention and fall in love with that more than the person. That’s why I feel weird about all of this.

Just to walk up to someone and flirt just because it makes you feel good. I don’t know. I’m confusing myself.

I’m scared. I’m scared to go on this date. I’m scared that I’m going to like him. I’m scared that I’m going to like him a lot. And then I’m going to be the girl who moves on so quickly. I still can’t look at pictures of him without wanting to cry. I’m also super emotional because I’m on my period. And I’m so, so scared that I’m not going to be ready to give this person what they deserve out of another human being which is decency and respect and I’m going to be a sack of shit and be selfish. I won’t be able to tell him how I feel because I don’t like that I feel that way.

But I don’t know.

I’m just scared that he’ll become another Sean.

And I can’t stand myself for what I did to that guy.

And I’m scared to move all the way out to California.

Unknown Alone

Most of the time, I’m completely fine. No problems, feeling good, living life as I should.

Then, it hits me like a fucking baseball bat.

I did cry today.

Mostly out of anger.

I felt more pain today on his behalf than I have in a long time, though. I’m not sure why.

Maybe I do know why.

I joined Tinder.

….

I know.

It’s strange, but… nice. I’ve been chatting it up with a few cuties. One in particular has my attention. Even if nothing becomes of all of this, it’s still fun. The superficiality and frivolity of it keep it interesting in the least. But talking and thinking of these dudes in a more serious context of sleeping with them makes me nervous. Honestly, the idea of sleeping with anyone freaks me out.

Maybe I should just wait to move to California to pursue options.

But I’m also sexually frustrated.

This is not a good cycle to be in.

I don’t know how to do this whole college dating scene. I’ve never known. I’m not the kind of girl who typically looks for hook-ups. I don’t even know how to openly pursue one. It seems so strange as well as I’m not confident enough in myself.

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow for a full exam. Another doctor to talk about my life. I’m going to California on Tuesday and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I should have one of those “Flying for Dummies” books. It would probably be of significant help.

Things are really starting to move forward here and I’m terrified. I’m terrified of making that leap into the unknown alone. I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it.

It’s going to hurt.

It’s going to be alright.

It’s not the end-all-be-all.

It’s a new start. Everything in my life is a new start.

I just need to take that next step forward.

His Name

Ed Sheeran guy has a name. His name is Ben.

Last night just didn’t go how I planned. But that was okay. I ended up going to 2 Dogs and drinking there. I was sober by the time I left at 1 AM. It was still a confusing night.

So, Ben comes in with his friend and coworker Juan. Juan’s a great guy, one of the regulars. He comes in a few nights a week. Sometimes gets really, really drunk. But he always takes a cab.

He didn’t take a cab last night. And he should have. And he didn’t take a cab after trying to hit on me first. Ugh.

We were outside smoking, but the three of us often just stayed out there talking and joking around. Ben was really cool and fun. He kept telling me to give my number to Juan so I could remind them of the concert I’m going to be in today.

That didn’t happen for a number of reasons.

I had my number written down for him and I was going to give it to him. But Juan tells me that he’s taken.

Not what I was expecting to hear.

Seeing as about a month ago, this guy bought me a drink at the bar. I mean, a lot can happen and change in a month, so I’m not trying to insinuate that it’s impossible for this guy to have gotten a girlfriend by now. As well as he was being very friendly.

I guess not overly so, though.

When Juan first told me he was taken, I was disappointed. This was going to be the first time for me to give my number to some guy I met at a bar. I was excited to do that. Then I find out he’s not available. Not like a crushing disappointment but obviously one to some extent.

At the same time, Juan hitting on me at the end of the night and being shitty by driving home when he really shouldn’t have been driving lead me to question Juan’s honesty. Was he just trying to keep me for himself?

I don’t want to think so. That’d be super weird and super shitty.

When I talked with my coworkers about it, they were skeptical too. They agreed that I shouldn’t have given Juan my number. Again, very happy I didn’t do that.

The next step is just to find out if he really does have a girlfriend. If he does, good for him. Hopefully it was just another guy who bought me that drink and we don’t remember it properly or the relationship is new or he was just trying to be friendly since I was a good server to them that night.

Okay, not that last one. I know that wasn’t the case. Pretty sure I messed something up with them.

I just hope I’m not the “other girl”. That’s not something I’m cool with nor will I ever be. At the same time, I don’t want to look into starting anything serious here in the next few weeks. I might be moving to California here and I’m not about to tie myself down to anything here that would be more permanent.

Even if he does have a girlfriend and nothing becomes of this other than a friendship, I’m still happy. I now know that I am starting to be ready again. While I know it will be difficult at first and I’ll probably have a few unsuccessful trial runs, just to try something again is thrilling.

For the first time the other night since Calvin, I was very excited that I was single. Most of the time, I’ve been sad and frustrated. Now, I see what kind of opportunities have opened. I love the freedom. I love the endless possibilities. I love the unpredictability of it all.

I’m okay with not knowing. In fact, I’m thrilled I don’t know what’s next. I’m almost 23 and have all the time in the world to figure things out. I’m just going to go where ever the world takes me. I don’t have to follow someone. I can do what I want where I want.

I think the timing with everything just barely worked out. I haven’t seen Ben at work in almost a month and now just when I’m starting to feel ready again he shows up. California comes right when I’ve accepted that the future I’d been planning for over 2 years had shattered. Things are wrapping up and I’m just getting started.

Standing in the Sand

It’s amazing how much changes in a month.

Yesterday was my one month anniversary of being single.

As I hung out with my friends Michael, Eric, and Carl, we discussed my conversation with Calvin earlier last week. They all asked me why I gave him the time of day.

The answer is obvious, and I don’t think they expected me to actually answer. Everyone says how weird Calvin is being about this situation. They tell me that he should find out about my important news via Facebook. I don’t really like that. I tried to tell them that I ended on somewhat good terms with him and they all laughed. It’s fair though, because we honestly didn’t end on good terms.

The way he broke up with me was so shitty that it eliminated the possibility of ending on good terms.

I don’t want to be on bad terms with him though. He was one of my best friends after all. I don’t want to give that up just because he was an idiot.

But maybe I should because that’s not a friend worth having.

Ugh, this all sucks so much.

I was going to go home this weekend too. I want to go home now to do laundry, but I’m waiting to hear back from a professor for a potential meeting. I’m just not in a very happy camp right now because I haven’t taken my Ativan yet.

So much has happened, yet not a lot. I feel like I’ve been standing in sand right where the water hits the shore. I have the illusion of movement, but it’s really the earth around me shifting. I guess it’s good that I feel anchored in my spot, but I just want a minute for the world to stop spinning.

I have very little time to accomplish a lot. Let’s hope that I can get it all done.

The Handle Over

I get into this slump sometimes where I believe everything good that has happened to me wasn’t real.

I am still not over Calvin. And I know I won’t be for some time.

Damn it, this sucks.

I question if he ever really did love me.

I talked to him the other day. He’s going to Austin, Texas for his next degree.

That put some of my concerns to rest. Not all.

He’s so much more active on social media now. Was I something that kept him from it? Does he even miss me?

I hate social media for this reason. I feel as though I can’t escape from it.

I tried the whole blocking and unfollowing thing. He got upset over that. I explained. I changed my mind because I thought I could handle it.

I can’t handle it.

I think this sudden burst in activity shows me how he felt in our relationship. He never wanted to share us. I was a safety net. I was always so proud of him, but was he ever so proud of me? Maybe at some point, but definitely not for a lot of it.

I was.

I’m not sure if I did anything wrong. Maybe I was just wrong for him. There’s a huge difference.

He wasn’t always right for me, but he was enough. Should I ever settle for what’s “enough”? What’s more than enough? Is that even a tangible thing?

I have booked my flight to go to California for a visit.

Calvin says he’s excited for me and that’s he’s always wanted me to go there. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what any of it means.

When we talked, I had so much I wanted to say to him. So much anger and hate and sadness and disappointment that I wanted to throw in his face. But I didn’t. I only had good words to say. When he called, I was about to go out for a hike. We talked for about an hour. He talked for about 45 minutes of it. Probably more. I talked at first about the internship, but I didn’t say much about it. Just where it was, the population, what’s next to figure out, and how I was still in shock over it. Part of that is my fault, though. His professor is on sabbatical and he’s had the opportunity to work with some of the greats in our field. He actually was a taxi for one of them and got to know him fairly well. I had to hear the full story on that.

Of course I did.

I don’t know why I did.

I mean, yes, he’s one of the greats. Why did I really care, though? As he kept talking, the more and more I asked myself this question. Did I actually care about the content or just how I could hear his smile? Did I care about their drive down from the airport as they struggled to find him food then took him to a bar in Bloomington or was I just interested in keeping him on the line? The longer we talked, the more I became uncomfortable.

I cut off the conversation after that hour because I needed to go think. I needed to be out in the world and away from this tiny apartment that holds so many memories.

I hate him so much in a lot of ways. Mostly, I hate that he makes me hate myself. Not really his fault, but also he’s entirely to blame.

I had been so happy. I was waking up without feeling like a ton of bricks was sitting on my chest. I was about to reduce the amount of times I went to therapy each week. Now, I’m back to counting down the days until I go back. I’m back to questioning if I should go to the hospital daily. I hate the effect this has had upon me.

I don’t like that he wants me to go to California. California is my place for myself. I know I have no ownership rights over the state especially since he was born there, but it solidifies that he doesn’t want me in his life anymore.

And I can’t handle that.

One Day

Some people say, “love isn’t always enough.”

I think that’s bullshit.

When you truly love someone, any amount of pain or heart ache or inconvenience becomes negligible. Things that may annoy you or cause you discomfort don’t bother you as much. You may recognize how undesirable may be, but that person and your love for that person make it all worth it without a second thought.

I think you did love me. There was a point where I could ask and you would have answered. I could have said and you would have sung. I could be horrible and you would be wonderful.

That was short-lived, though. It wouldn’t have been fair. I’m not sure if I was ever that horrible to you, but I’m sure you could think of something. No one is perfect. But sometimes our imperfections make us more perfect. If not more. More human. More real.

You weren’t horrible constantly, but you weren’t great either.

In fact, I can say that I’ve had better boyfriends.

Sean still tops the list of good boyfriends.

He was always kind to me. He gave me shit, but when it was well deserved. He always made me a priority. It was a selfish relationship because he was far too good to me. He was far too good for me. I wasn’t good for him, though.

I need someone compassionate, but screwed up as well. Someone who won’t hide from me. Someone who isn’t afraid of what I think. Someone who is kind but will call me out. Someone who enjoys being in and out of touch with reality. Someone who will accept me in all my nerd-ness and be goofy with me. Someone I will have fun with. Someone who will make me feel the range of emotions humans are supposed to feel.

I want to experience life and all it has to offer. And I don’t wish to do it alone.

I’m certainly not waiting for it to come.

I’m here and ready to take it.

So I’m still bothered by that stupid saying. When love is all you have, maybe it isn’t what you need. But when love is all you are, the statement is real and you are real. When you consume yourself in this, you create a bond that when severed can have catastrophic repercussions but will also give you the person of a lifetime.

My dad had that kind of bond with my mother.

My mother was abandoned unexpectedly by a man she was engaged to. She met my dad a year later and the rest is history. I know love was all my dad was when he was with my mom. I wonder if my mom felt the same. I think she did.

I can only hope that one day I’ll find that love too.

Selfishly Controlling

Some days can be very strange.

I felt better waking up this morning than I have in the past week. Calvin’s birthday had passed. I felt freer.

Of course, my computer died the night before. When it had rebooted itself and Skype opened, I saw a message from Calvin. It said “you douchebag”. I was confused, not having remembered already reading it a few weeks prior. I got offended and he quickly responded. He reminded me when he had sent it. He apologized for not having replied to my email about the budget. I said that I figured he wouldn’t have replied and that there wasn’t really much to say. I then quickly ran away from the conversation because fuck that.

I got some amazing news shortly after, though.

So, that California internship that I hadn’t heard from in over 2 months? They accepted me as their intern.

I’m so freaking excited!!

I cried as I called my dad, my friend Alex, Diego, Eric, and my sister. I was so happy. I could go somewhere.

I feel as though I have been graced with an opportunity.

California was a selfish choice. I wasn’t following anyone there. I was going based on my interests. My desires. I didn’t think anything serious would become of it though as I thought I’d be following Calvin.

Now, California is mine.

It’d be the perfect time. It’s only for 6 months, so if I hate being far from friends and family I can always go back. If I love it, I’ll have found it. I get to do what I want.

But then I have to figure out the logistics.

I’m honestly considering a GoFundMe page. I’ve never thought of doing that before. I want this though. I want this for me.

I hope I can make this work.

The internship would start on June 27th. Not a lot of time to figure things out. As well as buying a plane ticket to even go out there… not to mention when I would go. I don’t have much time and tickets are expensive.

Maybe I could take a train?

I don’t know. Definitely something I’ll look into. I just need cheap and my car can’t make that kind of drive. It’d probably cost more anyway.

What a whirlwind of a day. I’ve been high on this opportunity since I found out. California is mine. I have my own life. I can do what I want with it.

I finally feel in control again.

Today

I sent a cold email that I did not expect to receive a reply from.

Turns out he owes me about $550. I owe his parents about $1,600 for the plane ticket to Hong Kong. That money will just go to them. I will send them the rest directly.

I still have to write my session plan.

My anxiety is sky high right now.

I haven’t taken anything for it yet. I don’t know why.

I’m supposed to go to a rehearsal today. In about an hour and a half or so. That will break me. Playing saxophone right now will break me. I don’t want to do it and I probably won’t.

Then, one of my coworkers had roped me into going to a wine tasting today. I do want to go, but today is also just not a good day. I need to be by myself and take care of things at home and I’m not sure how to tell her. I also have homework to do. I told her that if I get my homework done in time I would go, but she’s basically not taking no for an answer. I’m not sure how to handle the situation. I’ll call my dad and if he’s got nothing, then I’ll just be honest. If it was tomorrow, I would be so down. Today is just bad though.

If it was next week, I would be so down.

But today is weird.

And I think I need today to myself.