Accountability Check

Current feelings:

Sad, frustrated, anxious. We’ll work backwards.

Anxious:

• Work – I’m young, inexperienced, humbled, stressed. As of late, our chain of command has been unreliable. While in the past, I had frustrations with my job, but I was never worried that my boss was going to leave me hanging in crisis. It hurts to hear that you won’t be a priority when you escalate something. Especially when you’re working with administrators that don’t understand your position or department. I’m being forced to find solutions to problems that I don’t have answers to nor the background to make such decisions. I make do; I love my co-workers, my clients, my facility. It is always the priority in my mind. It’s hard to keep my heart in and out of it in the healthiest of ways.
• Romance: Why am I not “there” yet? Am I “there” yet? Is he “there” yet? It feels like in some ways we are, and in other ways – not. It’s far too easy to fall into routine. While consistency is good, it can be easily mistaken for monotony. But my way of mixing things up may not be his style. My habits are not things he finds attractive. In fact, they are things has voiced distaste for. I’m not ready to fall for someone who is so ready to find reasons to leave. It’s only been 6 months, but it’s also been 6 months already and it feels like we’re moving so slow. I also can’t think of moving any faster though under current circumstances. He seems to move so fast, but also so slow. How much of this is due to his concussion?
• Personal: My dog’s a dick to other dogs and needs training. He’s also due for a check-up. I gotta buy plane tickets for this wedding, that wedding, and to see Lauren. I think I’ll skip one of the weddings. I don’t have the time unfortunately. I don’t know. Then, there’s this obligation to be home. I gotta move in a few weeks to a new apartment. It’s caring for the house until then which includes correspondence with the realtor. I have appointments for my health left and right – yet, I feel so sad and stressed all the time. But money matters, right?

Frustrated:

• Work: My needs aren’t being met. My team’s needs aren’t being met. My patients’ needs aren’t being met. I need help, but I know no one will answer it. I want to leave, but I can’t abandon those I care for. But I’m stuck in the middle forced to answer questions that I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m doing or what I want to do. Everyone has their opinions on what I should do. Fuck, I don’t know what I should do. All I know is I’m a damn good musician who wants to help people.
• Romance: I don’t feel like a priority, let alone that I matter that much. Making time for each other takes a back burner. Leave the heat on low, stir it every once in a while, taste a sample when you feel like it. I don’t know if I should say anything though because I don’t know how serious we are. I don’t feel like my most authentic self will be accepted by him. God, why am I even doing this? I can’t do anything about his headaches. I want to do so much with him, but we just can’t.
• Personal: I can’t keep shit together. I have accumulated so much shit. Why do I have so much shit? It makes it harder to keep it together! I’m not taking care of myself. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to look like sometimes.

Sad:

• Work: to feel worthless in taking care of those around you. To feel like we’re over-stretching our boundaries and not doing a good job. To not know whether or not you’re doing a good job because you have so little to compare it to. I need a mentor that I can rely on. To not know how to help someone. To not know if what you’re doing is actually working or will work.
• Romance: Am I doing the right thing? Do I actually make this person happy? Am I happy? His headaches and the concussion… God, I wish I could help him. Feeling helpless. His constant pain that’s only been getting worse over the last few weeks. Feeling isolated – I’m with someone, but not with them that often.
• Personal: I miss my family. I miss Lauren. I miss the people who I know and trust.-that I don’t have to explain my baggage. My family baggage. My health baggage. How helpless I feel.

What might be causing this?

• Increased demands at work. Lack of support from people above. Fear of delegating.
• General insecurities of a still relatively new relationship. Especially given how we have developed, while it has been over a time period of 6 months, it can be seen more like a 3-month-long relationship at this point. Most couples our age spend the majority of their time outside of work with their partner. We spend a few hours after work 2 times a week and usually one weekend night together.
• Lack of utilizing healthy coping skills
• Lack of exercise

This has lead to an increase of the following symptoms:

• Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness
• Increased sleep
• Fatigue
• Decreased appetite
• Racing thoughts
• Heart palpitations
• Shortness of breath
• Overwhelming feelings of worry
• Decreased concentration

Just checking in with myself. Trying to utilize my healthy coping skills. I hold myself accountable.

Delicate, Patient Hand

I’m looking for something that can’t be replaced.

As I currently search for a new therapist, I come to realize how much I want an older, female therapist. One with more worldly experience than myself. I worry about how good of a thing that is. I can definitely rationalize it, and I also need to admit that I’m seeking a motherlike figure.

Right now, I’m so scared and anxious.

Work is incredibly stressful with some glimmers of hope. I’m debating what I want my next career steps to be. So much in my life could change so quickly if I pull the trigger or step in the other direction.

I’m afraid of the life I would live if I continued to stay here in Southern California. At the same time, life in a way was so much worse back home in Iowa. It’s familiar and will always be a home base. It was miserable being emotionally swayed by the weather. I have enough of a hard time regulating my own emotions. Minimizing external stressors is ultimately a good thing.

But there’s so many people here.

I’m terrified of going into a career that I dread every day and I’m stressed beyond belief.

I worry about getting too comfortable.

I’m anxious about money all the time.

I think I won’t measure up.

And it’s writing these thoughts down that help me slow myself.

I’m constantly afraid of falling apart again and not having anywhere to go.

I worry I’m becoming too entitled. I have to stop and remind myself that I, too, am human. I have had a lot of my own mental health struggles. I will not let them define my life.

These problems are ones that I had before. These problems are ones that I’ll probably always face to some extent. It’s learning how to deal with them and still move on to another day with hope.

I take a deep breath. I remember that there’s always a way to fix things so long as I’m willing to fix them. If I surrender to my own faults, insecurities, and grief, I can forgive myself and continue on. I can have humility and humanity.

Sometimes I suck. That’s because I’m a human. I’m not going to be awesome all the time. But I’m going to keep showing up and remember what really helps.

I know I have many things I need to work through and process on my own. Opening up and exposing old wounds takes a delicate and patient hand to sew back up.