To the Tired

Another day of trying to be okay.

I have to wonder how people don’t feel like this?

How to people without anxiety disorders feel waking up in the morning? What’s the first thing on their mind? Or do we all have issues with it and I’m just being melodramatic?

I can’t help but feel melodramatic. Like I’m making it up. It’s all in my head, right?

Especially when there’s cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disorders…

How can I compare? How can my pain be justified?

Is it justified? Should I even try?

But then that makes me want to kill myself and that reminds me that I am in fact pretty sick. Normal people don’t think about ending their lives on a daily basis.

So that just makes me weird, I guess?

I don’t know why my brain has gone back to such pre-diagnosis thoughts. Maybe I’m tired of this loop. I’ve had an anxiety disorder for over 7 years. I’ve been aware of it for about half of it… probably more than half. I’m just tired.

I always say that.

Here’s to the tired, may we get some peace some day.

Advertisements

A Right Mess

I’ve been up since 6:30 this morning and I’m completely rooted by depression.

Now, I’ve taken my meds and I don’t know what I feel.

I’ve gained a lot of weight recently. I have no money. I haven’t paid my rent for this month yet. I told Calvin that I might not be able to come this weekend. I’m numb I’m numb I’m numb.

I could withdraw this semester. But then that’d mean another semester. How am I going to live in my job? How can I function in the real world when I can’t even get through a semester of school without having a nervous breakdown?

I need rehab. I need intensive rehab. But I don’t have the money for that. My family doesn’t have the money for that. I haven’t stopped crying all day.

I need to go to my piano lesson. My teacher is already upset with me.

I need to find my binder. To do that, I need to put some clothes away. I wish my clothes would fit me like they normally do.

So I’ve stopped eating. Maybe that will help.

God, I’m a right mess.

Beginnings of the Summer 2015 Episode

Oh depression, my long, lost lover.

How I didn’t miss you.

You see, I actually had some things going for me. I took some time for me after we were done the last time. You know, went part time in school to see if I could get my life together. And I did. I had my job, made out well with it, liked it enough. Did decently well in the classes I was in. Put in some good time in my new relationship. Yeah, found somebody else.

Still had some rough patches when I would think of you. Especially with my friend anxiety that you cheated on me repeatedly with. I mean, anxiety was my friend long before I knew you. At least, I thought anxiety was. It was about as good as it could it I suppose between us. The fact that you’re still with anxiety sickens me, but that’s your prerogative.

But I was on the upstream. I was making the climb to the peak. I’m almost done with my undergraduate degree for fucks sake and you choose now to come back?

The past week has been awful. Shaking. Trembling. Not eating. Binge eating. Smoking. Drinking. Self-medicating whenever I can. I had two exams this past week. In my Intro to Developmental Sciences class, guess what? I’ve been doing progressively worse on each exam. Isn’t that just spectacular.

I mean, I knew this semester wouldn’t be great with grades since I’m at 18 credits but come on.

About a month ago I was just relieved that it was spring break and I only had a few more weeks until the end of the semester. Now I’m honestly wondering if I even want that to come.

Every semester this happens. Every god damned semester I have a break right before the end. I’m fucking sick of this. I am fucking sick of this.

I feel like my relationship is falling to shit because all my boyfriend does is talk about himself and his day and never bothers to ask what I’ve been doing. If he does, it’s only after he’s given me the blow-by-blow of every single aspect of his day. After that, I can’t even recall what happened in my day because I’m still reeling over his day. He whines and complains about every aspect of his schooling when he has a great opportunity at one of the best music schools in the world and he signs up for the most demanding classes it offers. He even got a scholarship to there! I waited two months for a fucking Valentine’s Day gift that I didn’t need, doesn’t really fit for me (headphones that don’t stay in), and would have probably been more satisfied with him just saying “Sorry sweetie, I didn’t get you a gift but let’s go out for dinner. I’ll pay.” It’s not that I didn’t like it, it’s just that the meaning is lost after 8 weeks of anticipation. I told him just to call it an early birthday present.

And of course, there’s that overriding guilt of ‘Oh yeah, I owe your father $1,600. But I kinda can’t make rent so… yeah. No job because I can’t keep my shit together so a past manager told me before I quit.’

In case if you all can’t recall or I didn’t say on here because I don’t remember if I did or not so I shouldn’t be blaming you, I quit my job after going in and saying I couldn’t work that day because I had a panic attack and took my medication which turns me into a zombie. I proceeded to get ridiculed by a new manager who told me that maybe if I got my shit together I wouldn’t be having panic attacks. So I walked out and never went back.

Although he’s right.

If only ‘getting my shit together’ was easier to do.

Instead I avoid all responsibility and oh my god I’m going through another episode.

I have so much hate for myself it’s truly incredible.

I should just keel over right now. Make this a whole lot easier.

Instead I’ll just distract myself until I can rock myself into oblivion because that’s the choice my therapist wants me to make.

What have I become?

My summer episode is coming earlier this year. Hopefully I’ll get through this intact.

Survival Mode

If I could stop shaking yet being so incredibly exhausted, that’d be swell.

But, I haven’t been hungry the last 36 hours. I’ve eaten a scarce amount of food. My head feels foggy and useless. My heart won’t stop beating so fast. My arms and legs feel beyond jittery. I feel like I have this weight sitting on my chest that I can’t lift. My stomach is churning.

What is going on with me?

Monday night was when it started. Started to have a panic attack. Had a small one. Ended up going to bed super early but waking up early Tuesday morning throwing up. Didn’t do anything on Tuesday. Yesterday was awful. I’m so proud that I went to classes. It was so hard for me to get out of bed.

I felt so incredibly anxious and depressed.

I’m basically in survival mode right now. Parts of me can’t care about everything that’s going on otherwise I’ll just explode.

Of course I slept like shit last night and woke up at 4:30 to my cat wanting food and attention.

Then he proceeded to get sick.

Maybe I’ll try to eat something small and see if that helps.

I’m just so tired of this thing controlling me.

I’m very proud of myself for yesterday, though.

A Down Slope

Just kidding, friends.

My body has decided to riot. I’ve got super bad stomach stuff going on now. Throwing up, other bathroom stuff… you name it, my body’s doing it.

May be due to the anxiety. May be a stomach bug. May be what I ate last night. May be that I’m just fucking sick of all of this.

I’m sick of this.

I’m just so tired of not being good enough. I’m not good enough to work a full week. I not good enough.

I’m just not.

I can’t finish what I start. I can’t do this.

I feel so helpless.

This is just great.

Strength and Will

I have a session this morning.

I haven’t practiced for it at all.

My anxiety is so bad currently.

I’m not really anxious about my session. The only new thing about it is my movement activity which shouldn’t be hard at all. I just need to review the song as well as my other ones.

But I’m on the verge of canceling it.

I’m just freaking out about everything else and it’s hard for me to focus.

I have a teacher that wants me to go through student disability services to excuse my absences and such. I don’t even know what kind of accommodation I need. Do I really need one? I just need mental health days every once and a while and for someone to be understanding of my situation. Who do I turn to?

Calvin completely ignored my panic last night. Do I call him?

No.

I’m gonna pull myself together. I only have 2 sessions left after today. I will have had a total of 9 sessions. That’s 3 more than last semester. Then I can have all of my sessions next fall to show that I’m ready for internship.

I can and will do this.

Wish me strength.

Trailer

I have been too busy to function.

It’s not even 10 PM and I’m ready for bed.

I’ll be keeping this brief.

Calvin’s been stressed and taking it out on me. I’m trying to keep myself together to finish this semester strong. I think I’m doing alright so far all things considered. Leo’s mad because I’m not playing with him and I’m so sleepy.

I guess this post is a trailer for what’s to come: Hideas (Ideas under the influence), my therapy and my classes, relationships, and cats.

Until I’m less sleepy, friends. Sorry I’m the lamest blogger out there – I promise to update at least twice this week.