Oh depression, my long, lost lover.
How I didn’t miss you.
You see, I actually had some things going for me. I took some time for me after we were done the last time. You know, went part time in school to see if I could get my life together. And I did. I had my job, made out well with it, liked it enough. Did decently well in the classes I was in. Put in some good time in my new relationship. Yeah, found somebody else.
Still had some rough patches when I would think of you. Especially with my friend anxiety that you cheated on me repeatedly with. I mean, anxiety was my friend long before I knew you. At least, I thought anxiety was. It was about as good as it could it I suppose between us. The fact that you’re still with anxiety sickens me, but that’s your prerogative.
But I was on the upstream. I was making the climb to the peak. I’m almost done with my undergraduate degree for fucks sake and you choose now to come back?
The past week has been awful. Shaking. Trembling. Not eating. Binge eating. Smoking. Drinking. Self-medicating whenever I can. I had two exams this past week. In my Intro to Developmental Sciences class, guess what? I’ve been doing progressively worse on each exam. Isn’t that just spectacular.
I mean, I knew this semester wouldn’t be great with grades since I’m at 18 credits but come on.
About a month ago I was just relieved that it was spring break and I only had a few more weeks until the end of the semester. Now I’m honestly wondering if I even want that to come.
Every semester this happens. Every god damned semester I have a break right before the end. I’m fucking sick of this. I am fucking sick of this.
I feel like my relationship is falling to shit because all my boyfriend does is talk about himself and his day and never bothers to ask what I’ve been doing. If he does, it’s only after he’s given me the blow-by-blow of every single aspect of his day. After that, I can’t even recall what happened in my day because I’m still reeling over his day. He whines and complains about every aspect of his schooling when he has a great opportunity at one of the best music schools in the world and he signs up for the most demanding classes it offers. He even got a scholarship to there! I waited two months for a fucking Valentine’s Day gift that I didn’t need, doesn’t really fit for me (headphones that don’t stay in), and would have probably been more satisfied with him just saying “Sorry sweetie, I didn’t get you a gift but let’s go out for dinner. I’ll pay.” It’s not that I didn’t like it, it’s just that the meaning is lost after 8 weeks of anticipation. I told him just to call it an early birthday present.
And of course, there’s that overriding guilt of ‘Oh yeah, I owe your father $1,600. But I kinda can’t make rent so… yeah. No job because I can’t keep my shit together so a past manager told me before I quit.’
In case if you all can’t recall or I didn’t say on here because I don’t remember if I did or not so I shouldn’t be blaming you, I quit my job after going in and saying I couldn’t work that day because I had a panic attack and took my medication which turns me into a zombie. I proceeded to get ridiculed by a new manager who told me that maybe if I got my shit together I wouldn’t be having panic attacks. So I walked out and never went back.
Although he’s right.
If only ‘getting my shit together’ was easier to do.
Instead I avoid all responsibility and oh my god I’m going through another episode.
I have so much hate for myself it’s truly incredible.
I should just keel over right now. Make this a whole lot easier.
Instead I’ll just distract myself until I can rock myself into oblivion because that’s the choice my therapist wants me to make.
What have I become?
My summer episode is coming earlier this year. Hopefully I’ll get through this intact.
This Strange Place 