Left, Center, Right

Anxiety is when you feel you are at a crossroads. You are unsure of which decision is really the “right” one. They each contain growth, consistency, comfort, pleasure, and struggles.

I’m stuck at Left, Center, and Right.

Left is who I think I am. Left is fun, but knows business. Left lets loose, but knows when to pull it together. At least, Left thinks it does. Left is judgement free. Left is familiar because it’s what I’ve known. It’s similar, but has it’s own unique twists and turns. Left can be destructive at times. It gets lost or feels like it doesn’t have a path. By some means, it keeps going Left. It somehow gets far, far to the left. But how much farther left can Left go? Does Left have a time and place then it goes another direction?

Center is choice. Center is consistent. Center is predictable. Center can be cold. Center can be comforting. Center hugs the line, but deviates enough to create mystery. Center goes in one direction – the one direction I always thought my life should go. But now I question that. My life has never gone down “center”. I am attracted to it, but it doesn’t rise me. It challenges me, but not in ways I’m fond of being challenged. Center is clear. Center is black and white. Center is all or nothing. And that’s when I call bullshit.

I realize that I have always been Right. “Olivia on the left, Victoria on the Right.” That was how my parents always divided things between us. I was always on the Right. No, I’m not always “right”. But I recognize when things are going Right and when they’re going South. I am able to come back to myself and figure out where it is I need to go. Somehow, I get to where I feel I need to go.

I’ve been talking a lot about journeys and choices at work. How we’re all on a journey together. None of us are perfect – we all are carrying our luggage behind us. We bring it with us everywhere we go. Sometimes, it’s light, has lots of wheels, and can shape-shift at will. Other times, it’s heavy, covered in thorns, and threatens to swallow us whole.

The less I try to feel like I have it together, the more I accepting I am to learn. The less I have it together, the more falls apart. I have to depend on those around me to make sure we make it through together.

Being a leader is incredibly hard. Being a young leader is pretty stupid to be honest. That’s why I rely so heavily on my team. The more I give them, the more they give me. It pushes me to work harder. It holds me accountable. It reminds me that we’re all walking together down some path to some destination. Whether we go left, center, or right, I know we’ll get there in whatever way we will. Some of us will be broken, some of us will be tougher, some of us will just be there.

Somehow, we know what direction we should go. It just takes a while to figure it out.

Confidently Humbled

The thing I’m struggling with most right now is getting off my god-damned high horse.

I’m still a fucking kid.

And I have no, fucking clue what I’m doing.

How am I in a position of authority?

How am I trusted to do things that I have no real experience in doing?

Fucking Christ.

I haven’t felt this negative about myself in a long time.

I’m getting very stressed out.

I live constantly in fear that I’m fucking up.

If I get confident and act like I’m not fucking it up every second and that I have some sort of authority, I get this “holier than thou” feeling. And it’s because I struggle with it too. I am in no position to tell people how to live their life.

I haven’t figured out how to have people take me seriously while still being able to be myself. I wish I had the luxury to mess up. I wish I felt like I had earned my title somehow.

I guess the thing that shows I’m earning it is by sticking there to learn. I’m consistently fucking up, but I’m learning from those mistakes. At least, I’d like to think I am.

Last year, I processed a big component of my development: the loss of my mother at an early age. This year, I’ve begun processing how this lead me to some unhealthy choices that ultimately destroyed my mental health for a time. But, I have to realize I’ve come a long way.

I never really thought I would get this far.

It seemed like a fantasy that I was going to live past college and have a career. I never put much thought beyond it because it never seemed like it was going to exist with me in it. Not really, at least.

Never, in my wildest dreams, would I have pictured myself doing what I am now.

Part of me kicks myself for doing it.

Part of me realizes it was the best thing I could do for myself.

I’m still human. I’m going to mess up. But I also have some great support around me to help guide me, mentor me, teach me. They realize that I’m still human. I realize I have things to learn from all of them. Everyone matters. Everyone brings some sort of connection just by taking the time to know you.

I have to learn from my mistakes. I have to own them, so I can grow to be better.

This job has made me more accountable for taking care of my health. It was the wake-up call I needed. I have been granted an amazing opportunity to help and serve others in a way I never thought I would do before. Being in any sort of leadership position is hard. I haven’t figured out how to be confident and humble at the same time.

They probably don’t conflict as much as I feel they do in my head… which is why I’m probably struggling with it so hard right now.

Ahh… the inescapable, ruminating thoughts.

How I don’t fear them as much now. Or perhaps I fear them more now and recognize when it’s bringing me to an unhealthy place. I see how it leads down a slippery path that I can prevent. It makes me humble again.

I was humbled to be a part of a wonderful event today through my work. It was a large conference for behavioral health. Looking back, I said some dumb things because I’m a dumb idiot sometimes. But damnit, I have heart. Somewhere. If I can figure my own shit out, thanks.