Anxiety is when you feel you are at a crossroads. You are unsure of which decision is really the “right” one. They each contain growth, consistency, comfort, pleasure, and struggles.
I’m stuck at Left, Center, and Right.
Left is who I think I am. Left is fun, but knows business. Left lets loose, but knows when to pull it together. At least, Left thinks it does. Left is judgement free. Left is familiar because it’s what I’ve known. It’s similar, but has it’s own unique twists and turns. Left can be destructive at times. It gets lost or feels like it doesn’t have a path. By some means, it keeps going Left. It somehow gets far, far to the left. But how much farther left can Left go? Does Left have a time and place then it goes another direction?
Center is choice. Center is consistent. Center is predictable. Center can be cold. Center can be comforting. Center hugs the line, but deviates enough to create mystery. Center goes in one direction – the one direction I always thought my life should go. But now I question that. My life has never gone down “center”. I am attracted to it, but it doesn’t rise me. It challenges me, but not in ways I’m fond of being challenged. Center is clear. Center is black and white. Center is all or nothing. And that’s when I call bullshit.
I realize that I have always been Right. “Olivia on the left, Victoria on the Right.” That was how my parents always divided things between us. I was always on the Right. No, I’m not always “right”. But I recognize when things are going Right and when they’re going South. I am able to come back to myself and figure out where it is I need to go. Somehow, I get to where I feel I need to go.
I’ve been talking a lot about journeys and choices at work. How we’re all on a journey together. None of us are perfect – we all are carrying our luggage behind us. We bring it with us everywhere we go. Sometimes, it’s light, has lots of wheels, and can shape-shift at will. Other times, it’s heavy, covered in thorns, and threatens to swallow us whole.
The less I try to feel like I have it together, the more I accepting I am to learn. The less I have it together, the more falls apart. I have to depend on those around me to make sure we make it through together.
Being a leader is incredibly hard. Being a young leader is pretty stupid to be honest. That’s why I rely so heavily on my team. The more I give them, the more they give me. It pushes me to work harder. It holds me accountable. It reminds me that we’re all walking together down some path to some destination. Whether we go left, center, or right, I know we’ll get there in whatever way we will. Some of us will be broken, some of us will be tougher, some of us will just be there.
Somehow, we know what direction we should go. It just takes a while to figure it out.
This Strange Place 