A Late Night Thought (A Late Night Feeling)

Nothing is permanent.

And in it, everything exists eternally until it can never be returned.

Energy cannot be created nor lost.

And I continue to give myself, without regard for cost.

At the end of the day, I still feel joy. That reminds me why I’m here. Even if it is temporary. I’m glad I continued to live temporarily to this day. I’m glad I made that choice. Not my illness. Not my trauma. Not my dad nor slighted lover.

Me. I did it.

People helped me do it. Especially when I couldn’t see that choice – or refused to see it.

And maybe I can respond with more kindness.

Back at Zero

What are you carrying that isn’t even yours?

Starseed Oracle Deck

How can I better care for myself?

I ate better today in some ways than I have in a while. I got some payment stuff figured out. Moved/cleaned a bunch of storage. Took my meds. I’m journaling now. I gave Chade a bath and trimmed some of his nails. I cleaned my bathroom. Got lots of sleep last night.

Remembering appointments is something I should get better at though. Totally forgot about my therapy appointment today. Will probably reschedule with her sometime next week.

Nick is doing okay. He gets a little messed up after flying now. I still believe he has Crohn’s. Hopefully, we can get him in to a GI specialist sooner than later. If his current symptoms continue, I will encourage him to go to the ER. That would suck on many, many levels though. Texas’s Medicaid (or lack thereof) is shit. Hopefully, his symptoms continue to improve over the next few months until we can get him back on Obamacare.

My patients have been on my mind. It’s hard working with kids that don’t want help. Thankfully, I have my private client tomorrow. Those sessions tend to be really enjoyable and a nice reset before going back to the in-patient side of things. I like having this balance. I would like it to be even more outpatient and less in-patient, but that’s something for another time.

Currently, my finances aren’t terrible. They aren’t the greatest. I feel like I’m finally making a recovery. Plus, I have been consistently meeting with my private client plus have quite a few pet-sitting gigs coming up.

My family is doing alright – at least last I heard. Should probably call them tomorrow.

I’m trying for a new gig in Albuquerque. Once again. But this job – or these jobs I should say – are in the schools. One of my dream music therapy gigs. I would be closer to home, closer to my friends that I currently spend more time with, and closer to Nick as he finishes up school in El Paso. Better yet, the job is a contract gig – ending around the same time Nick would graduate. Presumably with option to renew if need be.

I don’t know. It’s hard to know when it’s time to push to leave some place. Then again, I’m not really in a place financially to be able to move presently.

What am I carrying that I don’t need to?

It’s really hard to say. I feel like I actually have a lot of things scattered around me that I need to take care of, but my hands are full and I don’t have a backpack.

Maybe I need to find more efficient ways to carry stuff around. Maybe it’s time to invest in a backpack.

….

Where the fuck do I start?